Screw You Guys, I'm Talking About Tariffs (And Microsoft's Money, Duh!)

Respect My Authoritah! (And Microsoft's Too I Guess)

Okay so listen up you guys! President Trump that dude with the orange hair made these things called 'tariffs,' right? And apparently that's supposed to mean something to big companies like Microsoft. But guess what? During their big money meeting thing they barely even mentioned it! Like seriously? Are you kidding me? Don't they know who I am? I'm Eric Cartman and when I want to talk about something everyone listens! It's like 'Screw you guys I'm going home!'...but in this case I'm just gonna yell about tariffs.

Windows and PC's: A Love Story (Sort Of)

This lady Amy Hood (probably a ginger) who's like Microsoft's money counting person said that they sold more Windows and PCs than they thought they would. Why? Because of those stupid tariffs! Apparently companies were stocking up on stuff because they were scared the prices would go up. It's like when Wendy Testaburger tries to tell me about being healthy – nobody wants to hear it! But in this case companies panicked and bought all the Windows. Score! But I should have bought more too damn it!

Surface and Xbox? Eh Who Cares?

They also sell those Surface things and Xboxes but those are less important apparently. I mean Xbox is cool and all but let's be real. I'm way cooler. But Microsoft still feels the tariffs effect because they have to get computer equipment from other countries. And they're also wasting tons of cash on Nvidia graphics processing units across the world to power OpenAI's ChatGPT and other artificial intelligence products.

Software: The Ultimate Weapon (Against Everything!)

So the big boss at Microsoft Satya Nadella (probably a hippie) says that software can solve all problems. Like if prices go up just use software! It's like saying if you're fat just imagine you're skinny! It doesn't work that way you guys! But he thinks they can help companies deal with tariffs by using software. And then of course they'll take a big cut for themselves. Typical!

AI is Here To Steal Your Job (And Make Cartman Richer)

Microsoft sells a bunch of AI stuff like this thing called GitHub Copilot that writes code for you. So basically it's stealing people's jobs! And they have another one called Microsoft 365 Copilot that answers questions in Excel and Teams. So even more people are gonna be unemployed! All so I can have more money to buy Cheesy Poofs. Sweet!

Money Money Money! (A Rich Man's World!)

After this meeting Microsoft's stock went up like 8%! Because they made more money than everyone thought they would. So basically they're rolling in the dough and I'm still stuck here writing about their stupid tariffs. This is not fair! I want my own company so I can have all the money and tell everyone to respect my authoritah! Now get out of here you guys!