Screw You Guys, I'm Suing Amazon! Cartman's Crusade Against Bezos Begins!

Respect My Authoritah! Germany Smacks Down Amazon!

Oh my god you guys! The freakin' Germans are finally doing something right for once! These Federal Cartel Office people they're like the police of online shopping in Germany and they're saying Amazon is being a total dick to those poor defenseless third party sellers. Apparently Amazon's got these stupid algorithms and statistical models – which let's be honest probably written by some liberal hippie – that decide how much stuff should cost. And if the price ain't right BAM! You're demoted! It's not fair it's not cool and it's definitely not chill!

Buy Box Bullcrap! Amazon's Rigged Game!

So get this. The 'Buy Box' is like the holy grail of Amazon right? It's the first thing you see the thing you click when you're too lazy to actually shop around. And Amazon those sneaky bastards are using their stupid rules to kick people out of the Buy Box if they don't play by their rules. It's like when Kyle gets all the good toys at Christmas and I get stuck with a stupid Mr. Hankey. This is totally unfair! This is worse than when my mom wouldn't let me have Cheesy Poofs for breakfast!

Andreas Mundt? More Like Andreas Moron t!

This Andreas Mundt guy the President of the Federal Cartel Office he's actually saying some pretty smart stuff for a grown up. He's like 'Hey Amazon you can't just screw over the little guy 'cause you're a big fat company!' He said that Amazon influencing competitor's pricing is 'fundamentally questionable' and yeah it is you dumbasses. It’s about time someone took notice of this crap.

Amazon's Whiny Defense: Waaah! It's Good for Customers!

Of course Amazon's crying about it. They're all like 'Oh no if we can't control the prices people will get ripped off!' Shut your freakin' mouth Bezos! You just want to line your own pockets! You think I’m stupid? I know you’re just trying to get more money out of people. You’re not fooling anyone with your stupid excuses.

Deja Vu All Over Again? EU Already Kicked Their Butt!

Turns out the EU already got on Amazon's case about this crap back in 2022. They had to promise to be nicer and show two Buy Boxes instead of one. But guess what? They're probably still screwing people over somehow. You can't trust those guys. They're like those damn Canadians always saying sorry but secretly plotting against us!

FTC Joins the Party! Cartman's Justice League Assembles!

And guess what else?! The FTC here in the US is also investigating Amazon! They got a big lawsuit going and it's all about those stupid pricing algorithms. Amazon says it's 'wrong on the facts and the law,' but I know they're lying! I can smell a rat and that rat smells like Jeff Bezos's dirty money. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this and I'm gonna make Amazon pay! Screw you guys I'm going home... to plan my lawsuit!