Screw You Guys, I'm Bombing Iran! Trump Obliterates Nuclear Wessels... I Mean, Facilities!

Respect My Authoritah! America Strikes Back!

Okay so apparently Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth – who I'm sure is way cooler than Kyle's stupid cousin – said that "Iran's nuclear ambitions have been obliterated!" Obliterated you guys! That's like when I obliterate a bag of Cheesy Poofs but way more important because it involves like nuclear stuff. This is all thanks to President Trump who's probably the only adult in the room unlike those hippie dippie Democrats. I bet those damn hippies in San Francisco are crying like the little babies that they are.

It's Not About Regime Change It's About Being Awesome!

Hegseth – bless his heart – wants everyone to know this isn't about regime change. It's about showing Iran who's boss! It's a "precision operation to neutralize threats." Neutralize! Like a fly! The president's doing what he needs to do to protect our troops and our bestest friends ever Israel. Because if anyone messes with Israel they mess with ME! And trust me you don't want to mess with Eric Cartman. You will respect my authoritah!

Trump's Got Big Balls (Nuclear Ones That Is)!

Trump being the big man that he is already bragged about "the destruction of Iran's nuclear enrichment capacity." That's what I'm talking about! It's like when I destroy a whole plate of KFC and then blame it on Butters. Only this is way more important and nobody can blame it on Butters because it was Trump the President! He is like the coolest ever dude. He just needs to be more careful when it comes to those hippie dippie leftist news networks and those woke beta male journalists. Lame!

Uh Oh Maybe Not *Completely* Obliterated?

Okay so here's where it gets a little less awesome. Some General Caine dude is saying there was "severe damage and destruction" to the facilities but he's not saying Iran's nuclear stuff is completely "obliterated." What the heck General? Are you trying to ruin my day? I am so angry. I am going to protest this in a very passive aggressive way.

Operation Midnight Hammer: Sounds Metal!

Apparently this whole thing was called "Operation Midnight Hammer." Sounds like a metal band! I bet those B 2 bombers were blasting some Slayer on their way to drop those bombs. I'd fly one of those any day and I bet you I would be a better pilot than that stupid Token. That guy thinks he is so cool just because he is black and rich. Screw him.

Iran's Whining Who Cares?

Of course Iran's Foreign Minister is whining about "outrageous" U.S. attacks. Wah wah wah! Suck it Iran! You mess with America you get the hammer! I'm just saying if they had respected my authoritah from the beginning none of this would have happened. Now if you'll excuse me I have some Cheesy Poofs to obliterate. Kick ass!