Trump Saves U.S. Stocks... Or Does He!?!

One MILLION Dollars... in Stock Upgrades!

Gentlemen and I use that term loosely it's Doctor Evil here! So President Trump has decided to be… less evil? Apparently Citigroup those pencil pushing sycophants have upgraded U.S. stocks to overweight. Overweight! Like Fat Bastard after a buffet. Adam Pickett whoever that is says they were oversold before Trump announced some 'reprieve' on his tariffs. Reprieve? Is that like a parole for the economy? I find the term mildly amusing! Maybe I should ask Mini Me to look up what 'reprieve' means on Google!

Nasdaq Soars! A Mini Me Rally?

The Nasdaq that bastion of tech geekdom apparently had its best day since January 2001. January 2001! That's practically the Stone Age in internet years. Pickett—sounds like a Muppet doesn't it?—thinks it's a 'tactical buy'. Tactical! Is he planning some sort of… stock market raid? Does that mean its time to buy Apple stock? What if I start buying Motorola flip phones will that make me money? It's good to be Evil...but I am more confused than ever!

Goldman Sachs Flips… Like a Pancake!

Goldman Sachs those flip flopping financial weasels actually rescinded a recession forecast! They issued it *hours* before Trump did his little trade policy dance. Hours! That's faster than I can order a freakin' shark with frickin' laser beams attached to its head! I thought Goldman Sachs was supposed to be the smart guys! Maybe I should have invested in them!

6500? That's… Adequate.

Citigroup's Scott Chronert—another Muppet name—is maintaining his S&P 500 target at 6,500. 6,500! That's like...almost a 23% rally. A 23% rally? Pathetic! When I take over the world we'll have rallies in the *thousands* of percent! I'd settle for 7,000 though! I have a lot of debts you know. And my Evil Lair costs a fortune to keep heated.

Pro LIVE?! Sounds Boring!

CNBC is having some sort of 'Pro LIVE' event at the New York Stock Exchange. 'Expert insights'? 'Interactive Pro clinics'? Sounds about as exciting as watching paint dry. They even have a 'cocktail hour'! Oh the humanity! What about those of us who are not 'Pro'? Guess I'll have to call Number Two and see if we can crash this party. I hope they have sharks with frickin' laser beams.

Is It a Trap? Yessssss.

So is this Trump 'reprieve' a real thing or is it some kind of elaborate ruse? Is it time to buy or time to hide under a rock with Mr. Bigglesworth? The market is crazy. All I know is that I'm going to need a bigger underground lair. And maybe a slightly smaller cat. Mr. Bigglesworth is getting... Fluffy!