Rrrrrright! Trump's Deep-Sea Mining Scheme: One MILLION Dollars... Err, I Mean Global Domination!

Frickin' Laser Beams and Seabed Dreams!

Oh behave! So Donald Trump bless his tiny little heart has decided to go for a swim...a deep sea mineral swim that is! Apparently he wants to break China's stranglehold on all those shiny things we need for you know world domination... I mean 'domestic manufacturing.' Yes that's it! He's signed some executive order thingy to fast track deep sea mining. Polymetallic nodules baby! Sounds delicious doesn't it? Like little potato shaped nuggets of power!

One MILLION Dollars for the Ocean Floor!

The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration or NOAA thinks it's a 'gold rush.' Can you believe it? GOLD! They're calling it the next big thing. But China isn't thrilled they are saying it violates international law. As if *they* care about rules! That Metals Company is jumping up and down to grab all those delicious minerals. I can't wait to install my secret lair down there...

The International Seabed Authority? NEVER Heard Of Her!

This International Seabed Authority (ISA) thinks it's in charge. Oh really? Well I have news for them! If they thought I was going to wait for their permission they are wrong! Apparently they've been fiddling around for ages trying to make rules. Like anyone listens to them. TMC that company that wants to mine the ocean floor is saying they will be ready to mine before the end of the year. Oh how marvelous if they get there before me I might need to blow them up! (Just kidding)

Investor Interest? Shyeah Baby!

According to some CEO investor interest is 'phenomenal.' Translation? Money money money! Cobalt nickel copper manganese... Mmm sounds like a good recipe for an evil device! Apparently the environment is a concern but I bet you could buy a lot of environmental experts for the amount we could get from those metals. And the CEO said they are working hard to point to how it can be done safely... oh how I bet we can!

Geopolitical Jenga: Time to Shake Things Up!

Some 'biodiversity analyst' thinks this will shake things up globally. Like duh! And some genius thinks other countries might start making deals without the U.S. Oh I hope so! More chaos more opportunity for Doctor Evil! Mwahahaha! But this could incentivize member states of the ISA to actually figure out some rules... but frankly screw the rules!

Legal Schmegal! We Do What We Want!

Some advocacy group is 'deeply concerned.' Blah blah blah. Environmental concerns international law... All just details my friends. The U.S. hasn't even ratified the UN Convention on the Law of the Sea! Which means Austin Powers they can basically do whatever they want! Now where's Mr. Bigglesworth? I think he's ready for a deep sea adventure!