One Million Tariffs! Trump Sends New Minion to China! Mwahaha!

Prelude to Global Conquest... I Mean Trade Talks

So Donald Trump or as I like to call him 'Mini Me' (he's got the hair thing going on you know?) just swore in some guy named David Perdue as ambassador to China. Apparently this Perdue fella is supposed to 'manage one of America's most complex and consequential foreign relationships.' As if! It's all about leverage baby! And speaking of leverage...

ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE PERCENT!

Mini Me Trump dropped a bombshell – a whopping 145% tariffs! That's like holding the world hostage for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Mwahahaha! Except it's tariffs. He even quipped "What timing ... what timing only you could've picked this timing," from the White House. Honestly sometimes I think he's trying to steal MY lines. Get your own catchphrases Trump! (Though I do appreciate the chutzpah.)

The Switzerland Caper: Geneva or Bust!

Now here's the real kicker: right before this Perdue dude ships off to China some other lackeys Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer are off to Geneva for some high stakes gabfest. They're supposed to 'tamp down the sky high trade tensions.' But let's be real are they really going to achieve something?. It's all a charade! A distraction! While I Doctor Evil plot my ultimate plan for global domination!

Perdue's New Gig: My Man in China

Perdue bless his heart says he's 'glad to be [Trump's] man in China.' Oh how cute. He probably thinks he's James Bond. He's more like Number Two... without the evil genius. And Trump in his infinite wisdom tells Perdue to 'Say hello to [Chinese President Xi Jinping ] when you're over there please.' So polite! It's all a game of chess people and I'm about to knock the board over.

No Tariffs Recission? Are you kidding me?

And here’s the best part: Trump says he won't rescind those glorious 145% tariffs just to start negotiations. He's playing hardball. That's what I'm talking about!. I Doctor Evil will not negotiate with anybody until my demands are met: ONE MILLION DOLLARS! And maybe a kitty.

The Uncertainty Principle: A Very Evil Brew

This whole 'tit for tat trade war' has injected 'widespread uncertainty into the U.S. economy.' Uncertainty! Chaos! That's my sweet spot! While everyone's distracted I'll be busy building my Moon Base and perfecting my laser beams. Mwahahaha! This is going to be good!