One Million Jobs... ISN'T COOL: Economic Slowdown Threatens My Evil Empire Domination!

Rrrright... The Economy My Nemesis!

So the world economy... it's like a finely tuned laser beam aimed directly at my secret lair except instead of vaporizing it it's threatening to... mildly inconvenience it! Yes that's right the dreaded 'economic slowdown' is upon us and it's threatening to throw a wrench (a very small easily replaceable wrench) into my plans for global domination! Apparently companies are getting all jittery about tariffs and whatnot. Honestly what's a few tariffs when I'm offering them the opportunity to live under MY benevolent rule? Muahahaha!

One Hundred and Twenty Five Thousand... BAZILLION!

The so called 'experts' are predicting a measly 125,000 new jobs. 125,000! Do you know how many henchmen I need to operate my giant laser? More than 125,000! Okay maybe not but it's still not enough! I demand no I *expect* one MILLION jobs! And not just any jobs. I need rocket scientists genetic engineers and people who can convincingly play dead when Austin Powers inevitably shows up.

Recession Fears? More Like Recessi BORES!

Some are whispering the dreaded 'R' word: Recession! Oh boo hoo! As if a little economic downturn is going to stop me! I've faced worse! I once had to eat nothing but freeze dried plankton for a week because Mini Me used all the caviar to make a sculpture of himself! A recession is nothing! Although I must admit a weaker economy would make it harder to finance my evil schemes. Maybe I should invest in… dogecoin. No no no that's silly.

Tariffs: The Specter in the Mist... Of My Lair!

These tariffs... they're like a 'specter in the mist' according to some 'expert'. More like a mosquito in my martini! Annoying but ultimately I can just swat it away! Still they are causing uncertainty. And uncertainty leads to… delays in my doomsday device construction! Curse you tariffs! Curse you and your tiny insignificant percentage points!

The Fed? More Like the Fed UP!

And then there's the Federal Reserve. They're wringing their hands about interest rates. What do they think I'm going to do finance my evil empire with credit cards? Get real! Although... 24.99% APR... tempting! Regardless these interest rate decisions will affect whether or not I can get a loan for my new shark with frickin' laser beams attached to its head.

Unemployment at 4.2%? NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

4.2% unemployment? That means there are still people out there NOT working for me! I need to lower that to 0%. Everyone and I mean *everyone* should be contributing to my evil plan! Those who do not will be subjected to the… slow… painful… boredom of public television! Bwahahaha!