Microsoft's Layoffs: A Bloated Empire Strikes Back (at its Employees!)

One Million Dollars...I Mean Six Thousand Layoffs!

People people PEOPLE! Microsoft that behemoth of Bill Gates ian proportions has decided to shall we say *downsize* its operation. Yes that's right they're shedding a mere 6,000 employees. Now I know what you're thinking: 'Dr. Evil that's a lot of people!' And to that I say...it's not one MILLION dollars! But still not chump change! Apparently they need to 'best position the company for success.' Success I say! They're already swimming in more money than I can shake a stick at. It's infuriating!

Quarterly Net Income: A Robust Twenty Five Point Eight BILLION Dollars!

Did you catch that little detail? $25.8 BILLION in quarterly net income! That's enough to buy a whole fleet of Moon Bases! And yet they're laying off people! It's like having a shark with frickin' laser beams attached to its head and still complaining about the electric bill. The audacity!

Redmond Reductions: Nearly Two Thousand Heads Roll!

My sources tell me 1,985 poor souls are getting the boot from their Redmond headquarters with 1,510 losing their office space too. Office space! Can you imagine? These people probably had ergonomic chairs standing desks and access to unlimited coffee! Now they'll have to work from home… in their pajamas! The HORROR!

Management Layers: Like Onions But Less Appetizing!

Ah yes the classic 'reducing layers of management' excuse. It's like saying you're shrinking the Death Star to improve fuel efficiency. In the end those middle managers are just another cog in the machine and this Satya Nadella has the gal to call it a tweak! Well that explains the performance issues... and I've got plans to ensure their incentives work for ME!!

Amazon and CrowdStrike Join the Party: Misery Loves Company

Of course Microsoft isn't alone in this grand game of corporate trimming. Amazon CrowdStrike and probably a whole host of other companies are also firing people. It's like a domino effect of doom! Clearly they're all taking notes from Dr. Evil on how to maximize profits while minimizing… well human empathy! One day I'll get my turn to put my laser beams on the heads of these companies.... just you wait!

Stock Prices Soar! Evil Wins Again!

But here's the kicker: Microsoft's stock is doing swimmingly! Up up and away! It just proves my point: the more evil you are the more successful you become. Take notes everyone! And maybe just maybe you too can afford a subterranean lair filled with piranhas. Muhahahaha!