Lilly's Weight Loss Empire: A Bloated Profit or Just Plain Evil?

One Quarter Billion Dollars! (Almost!)

Mwahahaha! Doctor Evil here reporting live from my volcano lair. Eli Lilly that purveyor of… well mostly legal drugs has had a rather interesting quarter wouldn't you say? They raked in $12.73 billion! That’s almost one quarter of one BILLION dollars. But then they LOWERED their full year profit guidance. I smell something fishy and it’s not just Mr. Bigglesworth's tuna breath!

Mounjaro and Zepbound: The Austin Powers of Pharma

Their diabetes treatment Mounjaro brought in a staggering $3.84 billion. And their weight loss drug Zepbound a cool $2.31 billion. These drugs are like Austin Powers at a disco EVERYONE wants a piece of them baby! They're so popular they're practically causing a national shortage! But fear not the FDA in its infinite wisdom has declared the shortage 'over.' As if!

Trump Tariffs: Are They the Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads?

Now let's talk about Donald Trump’s tariffs. Eli Lilly’s CEO Dave Ricks seems to think the 'threat' of tariffs is already bringing manufacturing back to the U.S. So he's not so sure we need them. Hmmm is he trying to trick me? Should I unleash the sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads on the Pharmaceutical Industry? I'll think about it...

Lower Taxes: A Dr. Evil Approved Scheme!

Ricks also wants lower tax rates particularly 15% for domestic production. Now this is something I Doctor Evil can get behind! Lower taxes mean more money for my evil schemes. Maybe I should invest in Eli Lilly and become their evil overlord! Mwahahaha!

The Scorpion Therapeutics Deal: A $1.57 Billion Hiccup

But here’s the catch. Eli Lilly took a $1.57 billion charge related to acquiring some cancer drug from Scorpion Therapeutics. ONE POINT FIVE SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS! That’s like holding the world ransom except instead of demanding money you demand… an oral cancer drug. A bit anticlimactic isn't it?

Is This Report Evil Approved?

So what’s the verdict? Eli Lilly is making a killing (not literally I hope) but this whole lowered guidance thing... it smells fishy. I'll be watching you Lilly. And remember 'I expect you to die!'… or at least meet my revised profit expectations! Mwahahahaha! And to the public let us remember what is important throwing me a frickin' bone here!