Harvard in Hot Water! Was This White House Letter an Honest Mistake or Pure Evil?!

One Million Dollars... er Billions at Stake!

So I heard about this whole kerfuffle between the White House and Harvard. Apparently some 'unauthorized' letter went out demanding all sorts of changes. DEI programs? Gone! Ideological screenings for international students? Mandatory! Honestly it sounds like my kind of demands! But the best part? It put almost $9 billion in federal funding at risk. Nine BILLION dollars! That's like… nine thousand Austin Powers if you catch my drift! Mwahahaha!

Who's the Mastermind?!

According to the *New York Times* this letter was signed by some chumps named Josh Gruenbaum Sean R. Kevney and Thomas E. Wheeler. Seriously are these guys even trying to be intimidating? They sound like the backup singers for a Barry Manilow tribute band! But the real question is: who's pulling the strings? Could it be… me?! Maybe I finally found a way to infiltrate the White House. Number Two get me my dossiers!

Harvard's Response: 'Riiiiight'!

Harvard's response was priceless! They were all like 'We got an official letter signed by official people sent from an official email… so we didn't question it!' Yeah right! They were probably too busy counting all that sweet sweet federal money to notice anything fishy. But don't worry I'll make sure they feel the pain of losing those BILLIONS. Bwahahaha!

Real Life Consequences: The Laser Is Armed!

Harvard spokesperson started crying about 'real life consequences on students patients employees and the standing of American higher education in the world.' Oh boo hoo! Real life consequences are my specialty! I've threatened to blow up the moon hold the world ransom and unleash genetically modified sea bass. This is nothing! Now if you’ll excuse me I have a shark with frickin' lasers attached to its head to feed.

The White House Strikes Back! Sort Of...

So the White House 'fired back' by freezing $2.2 billion in grants. Two point two BILLION! That's like… two and a half mini mes! Still a significant amount of money I must admit. But here’s the real twist: apparently this whole thing was a miscommunication while Harvard lawyers were talking to the White House about antisemitism. What a bunch of ninnies!

Was It a Mistake or a Mwahahaha Moment?!

So was this whole Harvard fiasco a genuine mistake or a brilliant (if I do say so myself) plot by yours truly? The world may never know! But one thing is for sure: I Doctor Evil am always watching. Always scheming. And always ready to unleash my… *evilness*… on the world! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!