Constellation Brands' Evil Plan for World Beer Domination Foiled by...Tariffs?!

One Million Dollars... in Tariffs!

Minions! Gather 'round! It appears those buffoons at Constellation Brands are having a bit of a kerfuffle. They're whining about tariffs! Twenty five percent on imported canned beer they say! *Twenty five percent!* It's almost as outrageous as charging one *million* dollars for a ransom! I mean come on! They should ask for like *one hundred billion* dollars! At least start there! But back to the beer this is impacting my plans for global inebriation... I mean domination! Yes domination!

Modelo? More Like 'No delo'!

So this Constellation Brands they make Modelo Corona Pacifico – swill fit only for my henchmen. Apparently these suds account for 78% of their net sales. Net sales! I deal in *gross* sales baby! Gross! But here's the crux: they import all their beer from Mexico. And with these tariffs...BAM! Right in the kisser! It's like putting sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads... on their bottom line! But at least with sharks you get a cool visual these tariffs are just annoying paperwork.

Divesting the 'Mainstream' Are They Mad?!

They're getting rid of their 'mainstream' wines! What are they thinking? Going all fancy pants with bottles over $15? That's madness! Sheer unadulterated madness! Where's the volume? The cheap buzz? This reminds me of the time Number Two suggested we invest in organic hemp seed oil. Honestly! I'm trying to take over the world here not open a vegan juice bar!

Svedka Sold?! Sacre Bleu!

They sold Svedka vodka! Svedka! It's practically the official drink of evil henchmen everywhere! Though I suppose I do prefer a good martini shaken not stirred. But still! It's like they're deliberately trying to undermine my evil empire's morale. I mean what's an evil genius to do when his minions are sober?!

The Outlook is...Grim?

Their fiscal 2026 outlook is weaker than my aim with a tranquilizer dart! They're projecting lower earnings per share. Lower! The horror! This is almost as bad as when I had to fire Number Two for suggesting we rebrand the Death Star as the 'Happy Fun Ball'. Almost. I was furious. Absolutely furious. Now to be fair I have considered changing my shark's head lasers to something less obvious.

Capital Expenditures? More Like Capital Ex PEND itures!

And get this they're cutting capital expenditures! Forty percent! Thirty five percent! That's almost as severe as my hair loss! What are they going to do build their headquarters out of cardboard boxes? This is a disaster! A complete and utter disaster! This also affects my plans to take over the world I was thinking of partnering with them...but now that's down the drain.