JPMorgan Chase Opens New Millionaire Mansions: Very Nice! But Will the Rich Buy?

Jagshemash My Fellow Capitalists!

Chenqui! Borat Sagdiyev here reporting live from the capitalist paradise of... America! I have discovered JPMorgan Chase a bank bigger than my entire village is building fancy new 'financial centers' for rich Americans. Very nice! They want to manage all their money like I manage my wife's... err... 'assets'.

Chase Bank: Not Just for Average Joes Anymore!

JPMorgan Chase is already king of the hill in many things like Wall Street trading and those plastic rectangles they call 'credit cards'. But they want more! They want to be the sheikh of wealth management like those fancy pants banks Morgan Stanley and Bank of America. Jennifer Roberts the CEO of Chase Consumer Banking says they have a 'giant opportunity' to steal money... err *manage investments* for those affluent households. Good luck! May your grapes be plentiful!

First Republic: From Riches to JPMorgan's Britches!

To achieve this glorious goal JPMorgan swallowed First Republic a bank famous for sucking up to rich families. Now they are unleashing a new service called 'J.P. Morgan Private Client,' complete with fancy branches like my neighbor Boltok's outhouse but probably cleaner. They even have their own mobile banking app so rich people can watch their money grow while sitting on their golden toilets. Technology! It is amazing!

No More Lines Just Lots of Wine!

Forget the long lines and angry tellers! These new branches are like fancy hotels with living room style seating art and fancy coffee machines. Instead of lollipops they give you… chocolate! Dylan's Chocolate! The price of entry? Only $750,000! Though they REALLY want people with $2 to $3 million. High five!

Quiet Opulence: Shhh... Money Talking!

Stevie Baron JPMorgan's head of affluent banking says these branches are designed for 'serious less transactional conversations about your wealth planning.' That means less 'gimme dollar!' and more 'let's talk about your inheritance dahling!' Maybe they will even start offering gold plated babushkas. I volunteer to be the first customer!

Will the Rich People Come?

Here is the problem: nobody knows what these new branches are! Jennifer Roberts admits that not many people are walking in. They might think it is too fancy! But she says that they will not turn anyone away. So if you have no money you can still go in and enjoy the fancy coffee! Just like in Kazakhstan where everyone is welcome to visit my... well almost everyone. Very nice! Just try not to steal the chocolate.