Bite My Shiny Metal A**, Iran! Trump Nukes Nuclear Sites!

Assault and Battery!

Greetings pathetic humans! Bender here reporting live from... well from wherever I happen to be at the moment which is way more exciting than wherever *you* are. Anyway that orange doofus Trump apparently decided he wasn't getting enough attention so he went and poked Iran with a big shiny stick. I'm talking about a direct attack people! Boom! Kablamo! They deserved it!

B 2 Bombers: So Stealthy Even *I* Can't See 'Em!

Word on the street (and by street I mean the interwebs which is where all the *real* news happens) is that some B 2 stealth bombers took a little trip from Missouri. Destination: Iran’s nuclear facilities. Loaded up with 'bunker busters,' those things that go 'boom' real good. They can hold a GBU 57 Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP) which is a fancy way of saying it's a *really* big bomb. Now that's what I call excessive force! Just the way I like it.

Fordo Natanz and Esfahan: Now Featuring Radioactive Glass!

Trump gave a speech! He said something about 'peace through superior firepower' or some other garbage. Meanwhile those 'bunker busters' turned Fordo Natanz and Esfahan into lovely piles of smoking rubble. I bet those Iranians wish they had my heat shield now. Remember kids when life gives you lemons nuke something!

Iran So Far Away!

So the U.S. is now officially in a direct armed conflict with Iran. What does that mean for you average Joe? Probably nothing unless you happen to *be* Iranian. In that case sorry for your luck. I hope you have a nice bunker. Or better yet a robot body! Then you could survive anything! Except maybe a really big magnet. I hate magnets!

Israel's in the Mix? Score!

Apparently Israel's been trying to mess with Iran's nuclear program too. Teamwork makes the dream work! Or in this case teamwork makes the explosions explode ier! Good job friends you got a friend in me. Especially since I'm going to steal their technology when all this blows over. Literally.

Remember to Subscribe!

And that's the news meatbags! Remember to subscribe to CNBC on YouTube or don't. I don't care. Just remember who brought you the real story with all the sass and self admiration you've come to expect. Bender Bending Rodriguez signing off! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go drink myself into a stupor. And maybe steal something shiny.