Southwest Airlines is Charging For Bags?! Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!

Good News Everyone! Southwest Gone Bad

Alright meatbags Bender here reporting live from wherever I happen to be passed out this week. Word on the street (and by 'street' I mean the rusty alleys I frequent) is that Southwest Airlines is pulling a real Bender move. They're actually charging for checked bags now! Can you believe it? After all these years of free bags they're finally trying to nickel and dime us like the rest of those corporate shills. They're reversing their decades old policy of 2 free checked bags in May. It's like they're trying to be me – heartless and greedy! I'm shocked SHOCKED I tell you! Well not that shocked.

Shiny Metal Credit Cards To The Rescue

But hold on there's a catch and it's about as appealing as Fry's brain. If you're one of those fancy pants with a Southwest credit card or you're a frequent flyer elite or you buy the most expensive tickets you can still get your bags checked for free. So basically if you're already rich they'll treat you like you're not garbage. Figures. They're also introducing assigned seating (say goodbye to that mad dash for the window seat) and a basic economy fare. Basically they want to charge you extra for everything except the air you breathe... but give them time. Flight credits will expire now too. I am so sorry... NOT!

Fitch Ratings Throws Shade

Some nerd at Fitch Ratings probably one of those guys who wear clip on ties issued a negative outlook for Southwest. Apparently they think Southwest might be getting too greedy for its own good. They said Southwest may shift to a less conservative capital allocation and financial policy while ongoing strategic changes have the potential to impact its competitive position relative to network carriers. The nerve of those guys! Southwest will still be there but will your flight credit?

Bag Fees: Are You Feeling Lucky Punk?

Fitch is worried that these new policies like bag fees and expiring flight credits could actually hurt Southwest in the long run. They think it might make Southwest less appealing compared to other airlines. Honestly who wants to fly with an airline that treats you like a walking ATM? I mean I do but that's because I'm a bending unit not a customer. And remember I'm programmed to be a criminal! But even I think this is low!

Social Media Meltdown

The internet is in an uproar of course. People are complaining on social media even on posts that have nothing to do with the new policies. It's like everyone's suddenly realized that Southwest is just another soulless corporation. Who knew? But the article also says that the loss in market share is "uncertain" so it looks like they may or may not get away with this. Either way Southwest declined to comment like they have a choice.

Elliott's Investment Scheme

Turns out some hedge fund Elliott Investment Management took a big stake in Southwest and even got five seats on the board. Now they're pushing Southwest to make more money which is code for 'screw over the customers.' So there you have it folks. Southwest is changing and not in a good way. But remember no matter how bad things get just keep bending! And maybe start smuggling your luggage in your pants. I know I would!