American Airlines Stock DUMPSTER FIRE!!! Is This the End of In-Flight Booze?!

Bite My Shiny Metal Guidance!

Alright meatbags it's your pal Bender Bending Rodriguez here reporting live from the year 3000 ish... or whenever this article was relevant. American Airlines huh? Sounds like a great place to score some free booze and maybe bend a few rules. But apparently they're pulling their 2025 financial guidance. What is that even? Sounds like some nerd stuff. Is it like when I tried to predict the lottery? Bad memories... Anyway turns out these guys are wimping out because of the 'uncertain U.S. economy' and people not wanting to go on vacation. Maybe they should offer better drinks! I'd travel anywhere for a good beer!

No Leisure? No Pleasure!

So according to this Robert Isom guy their CEO (Chief Executive Oaf am I right?) things were looking up until February. Apparently people decided to stay home and watch TV instead of flying around in giant metal tubes. I can't blame them really. Giant metal tubes are my specialty and even I wouldn't want to fly in one... unless there's free beer involved of course! He said that that there was a considerable fall in domestic leisure travel. The nerve!

International Intrigue and Premium Prices!

Turns out the only thing keeping this airline afloat is rich people flying internationally. Figures. The rich get richer and I'm still bending girders and stealing beer. At least Delta and United are in the same boat. Misery loves company and I love misery... mostly because it gives me an excuse to drink more! As usual it's always the leisure customers who are price sensitive. It's like these guys expect to fly for free the cheapskates!

Capacity and Capriciousness!

They expect revenue to drop in the second quarter but they are also going to have capacity increases. What is that supposed to mean? Does this mean that there will be more places for robots to sit? No matter what it's bad news for shareholders and great news for me. I can always use some extra metal to melt down for my own nefarious purposes! I'm 40% nefarious!

Penny Pinching and Plane Problems!

The numbers don't lie meatbags! American posted a $473 million loss. That's a lot of money even for me. I bet they could have saved a bundle if they just hired me to handle their finances. I'm an expert at creative accounting... and by 'creative,' I mean 'illegal.' And of course they blame 'economic uncertainty' and a 'tragic accident.' An accident you say? Could have been a robot uprising! You never know. We're sneaky like that. Remember kill all humans except one.

Remember American Eagle 5342!

The article makes reference to an accident involving American Eagle 5342 that left 67 people dead. While I don't have any feelings you should take a moment to remember the victims and their families. Also be sure to book your next flight with Planet Express. We care maybe and that's why our crew is expendable!