Apple Stock Plummets! Is Your New iPhone Gonna Cost More Than a Head in a Jar?!

Good News Everyone! Or Not...

Alright alright settle down ya bunch of Nibblers! Leela's on the scene to break down the latest doomsday scenario. Seems like Apple that fruit themed company that makes those shiny rectangles everyone's obsessed with is in a bit of a pickle. They thought they were being all clever moving their factories outta China to avoid tariffs but guess what? Trump that guy who makes Zapp Brannigan look competent slapped tariffs on those countries too! It's like trying to escape Mom's Friendly Robot Company – there's no escaping capitalism!

From Bad to Worse Than a Date With Zoidberg

So Apple's stock tanked faster than the Professor after a Slurm Loco binge. We're talking a $300 billion loss! That's enough to buy a whole lotta dark matter...or at least a decent head museum. Some fancy analyst types are saying Apple might have to jack up prices by 17 18% just to stay afloat. And you know what that means: you'll be paying more for that new iThingy. Just what we need another reason to feel poor in this dystopian future.

Nowhere to Run Nowhere to Hide

Some egghead over at Morgan Stanley name of Erik Woodring told CNBC that "there's nowhere to escape." Tell me about it! Try escaping the aroma of Farnsworth's latest invention! Apple was producing iPhones in India AirPods in Vietnam and Mac desktops in Malaysia. All these places are now victims of Trump's "reciprocal tariffs." I thought that meant something nice but as usual this is a case of the world not being as happy as I thought it would be.

Cook's in a Stew (Not the Good Kind)

Tim Cook Apple's top banana ain't saying much. He’s been mumbling about "monitoring the situation" which is code for 'panicking in a solid gold panic room'. Rumor has it he’s been schmoozing with Trump probably offering him a lifetime supply of iWipes in exchange for a tariff exemption. Good luck with that Timmy you'll need more than a lucky penny to get out of this one!

The Future Is Uncertain and Probably Expensive

Apple's whining that these tariffs could hurt their business force them to raise prices and maybe even stop selling certain products. Stop selling products?! Oh the humanity! Where will Bender get his daily dose of electricity from then? I bet he's not the only one feeling a bit panicky right now but keep calm. If they stop selling then maybe they'll fix the bugs in what they have already made.

Jobs From Beyond the Grave?

Back in 2011 Steve Jobs that guy in the turtleneck told Obama that those jobs aren't coming back to America. And apparently nothing has changed. Analysts estimate it would take three years and $30 billion to move just 10% of Apple's supply chain to the U.S. Three years?! By then we'll all be living on Mars and nobody will care about iPhones anymore. Unless they're powered by dark matter of course.