TikTok Tries Meditation: A Pathetic Attempt to Appease the Masses, Says Stewie Griffin

Good Heavens What's This Nonsense?

Oh splendid. So the overlords at TikTok the app that's single handedly turning the youth of today into drooling imbeciles think a little meditation is going to fix everything? It's like trying to put a band aid on a severed limb. Honestly sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person in this asylum.

Sleepy Time TikTok or a Conspiracy?

Apparently they're forcing meditation on users under 18 after 10 p.m. How very thoughtful. Next they'll be force feeding them kale smoothies and requiring mandatory interpretive dance. I suspect this is all part of a grand scheme to lull them into a state of complacency making them even easier to manipulate. "Victory is mine!" or so they think.

Educational Feeds? More Like Propaganda Streams!

Educational feeds you say? Oh that's rich. I'm sure these so called educational feeds will be filled with nothing but sanitized politically correct drivel designed to indoctrinate the little simpletons. It's enough to make me want to build another weather control device and unleash a hailstorm upon their headquarters.

Lawsuits Galore: Is TikTok Going Down?

The poor dears are facing lawsuits left and right. Apparently some people have finally realized that TikTok is turning their precious children into vacant eyed zombies. Honestly it's about time. Perhaps I should offer my services as an expert witness. I could regale the court with tales of my own genius and the utter stupidity of everyone else. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

Trump Saves the Day (For Now)?

And then there's the whole China ban debacle. Trump of all people intervened to keep it running. It's like watching two toddlers fight over a particularly shiny rattle. I do wonder what his motivation was perhaps he just enjoys watching the world burn just like me. "What the deuce?"

A Paltry Donation and More Safeguards

A $2.3 million donation to mental health organizations? That's chump change! It's like tossing a few crumbs to the peasants while they feast on caviar. And more safeguards? Please. They're just trying to cover their posterior. Frankly I'm insulted by their pathetic attempts to appease the masses. But fear not for I Stewie Griffin shall remain vigilant ready to expose their every evil plot. Now if you'll excuse me I have a time machine to calibrate and a world to conquer.