Tesla's New Board Member: From Burritos to Batteries, Oh Good Grief!

Oh Good Grief! Another One?

Right then listen up you ninnies. Tesla that electric car company run by the chap who thinks he's Batman has appointed a new board member. Yes another cog in the machine another suit to count the beans. This time it's a bloke called Jack Hartung formerly of Chipotle. Chipotle! As in the place where you get those...burritos? Dear heavens what is the world coming to?

From Mild to Wild: The Hartung Effect

Apparently Mr. Hartung is known for his “disciplined approach to Chipotle’s finances.” Disciplined? At a burrito chain? One can only imagine the spreadsheets detailing the optimal sour cream distribution. But Tesla needs all the help it can get darling. Their sales are apparently sinking faster than Brian after a bottle of gin and profits are eroding. It's enough to make one scream 'Victory is mine!'... then promptly burst into tears.

Musk's Moonlighting Madness

And the reason for Tesla's troubles? Apparently our Mr. Musk is too busy playing with his other toys. Namely this 'Department of Government Efficiency,' or DOGE as he calls it. Honestly the man's ego is bigger than Jupiter. He claims he'll scale back but I wouldn't trust him to scale back a bowl of pudding. Oh and the stock is down 14%. Someone get me my blankie!

Family Ties and Burrito Board Connections

Here's where it gets juicy. Hartung's son in law is a Tesla service technician. Nepotism? I'm shocked shocked I say! Also get this: Musk's brother Kimbal used to be on Chipotle's board during Hartung's reign of rice and beans. It's all connected darling. A veritable web of corporate intrigue... involving burritos.

The Chipotle Chronicle: A Rags to Riches Tale (Kind Of)

Let's not forget Hartung's Chipotle backstory. He joined in 2002 climbed the corporate ladder and watched the company's stock soar. Apparently it's up by more than 100 times since they went public. Maybe he can sprinkle some of that burrito based magic on Tesla. Although I suspect electric cars and oversized tortillas are two very different kettles of fish.

Tesla's Retro Futuristic Diner: Seven Years in the Making?

Oh and one more thing! Tesla is launching a 'retro futuristic' diner in Los Angeles. Apparently it's been in development for seven years! Seven years! I could have conquered the world in that time! Although perhaps I'll settle for conquering the menu. I do have a rather refined palate you know. Now if you'll excuse me I have a diabolical scheme to hatch... and a craving for something other than electric powered burritos.