Paradromics Plugs In: Brain-Computer Interface Makes Human Debut!

A Most Grievous Blow to My Evil Plans (Or So It Seems)

Good heavens what is this I read? Paradromics you say? Implants in brains? It appears someone's been watching too much of my work trying to jump ahead in the world domination queue! Honestly the nerve of some people. They implanted their brain computer interface into some poor chap at the University of Michigan. Apparently this poor fellow was already undergoing brain surgery for epilepsy. Honestly if they start curing diseases what am I going to complain about? 'Curse you Paradromics!' doesn't quite have the same ring to it does it?

Twenty Minutes to Glory (Or Utter Failure)

Twenty minutes! They implanted and removed it in twenty minutes? Blimey that's faster than Brian can devour a martini soaked olive. They claim it shows their system can safely record neural activity. Safe you say? As if I haven't heard that before! My own inventions are perfectly safe provided you don't mind the occasional side effect like temporary paralysis or uncontrollable urges to sing show tunes. Still I must admit it does mark the beginning of their 'clinical stage' chapter. Oh goody.

Sheep Thrills and Human Trials (Oh Joy)

Matt Angle the mastermind of this operation claims their device is 'best in class' and compatible with humans. I say aren't we all compatible with humans? It’s sort of a prerequisite for being on this planet wouldn't you agree? He seems positively giddy about the upcoming clinical trial. Clinical trials... like that time I tried to give Brian a new haircut with my laser. The results were… less than stellar. Oh the humanity! Oh wait sorry wrong reference.

From Brainwaves to Bytes (And Hopefully Not World Domination)

A brain computer interface translates brain signals into commands. Paradromics wants to help paralyzed people speak through computers. How quaint. I of course have much grander ambitions for such technology. Like controlling the minds of world leaders or perhaps rigging 'The Voice' so that I finally win. Still helping the paralyzed is nice I suppose. But the US FDA hasn't cleared it so they are far from their journey. As if the FDA has any say in my plans. They seem to cause so many problems.

Stadium Microphones vs. Neuron Whispers (It's All Greek to Me)

Angle compares their approach to placing microphones inside versus outside a stadium. Inside you get individual conversations; outside just the roar of the crowd. It all sounds terribly complicated and rather loud if you ask me. All I hear is Charlie Brown's teacher. Other competitors are out there. Even Elon Musk (Oh the horror!) and Synchron backed by Bezos and Gates. So much money! But none of them have my genius. Mark my words none!

Saudi Money and Clinical Dreams (Wake Me Up When It's Over)

Paradromics has raised nearly $100 million. A king's ransom! They even have a partnership with Saudi Arabia's Neom. Seems everyone is getting in on the brain computer interface game. But at the end of the day I know that my genius will prevail. So stay tuned. After my nap. After all there's nothing more tiresome than watching other people try to steal my thunder. Pip pip cheerio and all that rot!