Screw You Guys, Snowflake's Stock is Doing Awesome (Respect My Authoritah)!

What What Snowflake's Got Loot!

Okay so listen up you guys! That stupid Snowflake company the one that sounds like a bunch of whiny liberals their stock went up like crazy! Like 12%! Can you believe it? Apparently they made over a BILLION DOLLARS in one quarter. A BILLION! That's more than I've made selling my mom's pot pies... and that's saying something!

AI? More Like A.I. Get My Money!

They say it's 'cause they're using artificial intelligence now. A.I. my ass. It's probably just Butters pushing buttons behind the scenes. But whatever people are buying it and that's all that matters. All I know is if they're making this much money they better be using it to fight gingers!

Churn Concerns? More Like Churn the Butter!

Some dumb analysts were worried about 'churn,' whatever that means. Probably something stupid. But apparently they got two deals worth $100 million each! So everyone's all happy now. Happy happy joy joy... Makes me wanna barf.

Beat and Raise? Sounds Like a Jimmy Buffet Song...

These fancy pants analysts are saying Snowflake's gonna keep 'beating and raising.' Sounds like a Jimmy Buffet song gone wrong. All I know is if they keep making money I'm gonna invest... and then I'll be rich! Respect my authoritah!

Nasdaq's a Loser Snowflake's a Winner!

While the Nasdaq is sucking balls Snowflake's stock is up 29% this year! That's right! They're totally pwning everyone! Pwning! And it makes me so angry because I'm not pwning with them! God DAMMIT!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home...To Invest!

So yeah Snowflake's doing great. But don't think I'm happy for them. I'm not. I'm just jealous. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go convince my mom to take out a second mortgage so I can buy some of their stock. Maybe then just maybe I'll be able to buy my own theme park. It'll be called Cartmanland 2.0! Screw you guys I'm going home... to get rich!