Screw You Guys, I'm Taking Lyft to the Bank! Shares Soar!

Respect My Authoritah! Lyft's CEO Speaks

Okay listen up you guys! That dingleberry CEO of Lyft David Risher went on TV – CNBC or whatever – and said everything's awesome! He's all like "We don't see anything to worry about!" Seriously? Does he think we're all Mongolians or something? But hey I guess if you're making more money than you're losing who cares right? Butters probably believes him that poor little sap.

Sweet! More Money More Rides!

Apparently people are actually using Lyft! Gross bookings – whatever the hell *that* is – went up! And rides? Up 16%! So all you poor people can't afford your own cars huh? That's hilarious! Maybe you should just get a job at City Wok. I'm just sayin'.

Screw You LSEG! (and FactSet)

Okay so they made a ton of money but not as much as those LSEG nerds thought they would. Who cares? As long as I'm not paying for it it's all good! But they made 2.57 million dollars in profits! 1 cent per share that's like nothing! I have more money than that in my ass crack!

$750 Million? I Want Some!

These guys are buying back shares like it's going out of style! They're talking about $750 million! WHAT?! I want some of that sweet sweet cash! It's not fair! I'm going home!

Engine Capital Bows Down!

Some dude named Arnaud Ajdler from Engine Capital was crying and stomping his feet about wanting to be on the board. But now he's shutting up because Lyft is throwing money around. See? Money talks and bullcrap walks! Now where's my cheezy poofs?

Uber Sucks Dude!

Of course Uber's losing. They're probably filled with hippies and Canadians! Goldman Sachs is all over Lyft now. They're saying the industry is "stable." What does that even mean? Probably something lame. The only thing stable in my life is my love for Kenny dying.