Rrrrrrr-eciprocal Tariffs? Trump Eyes TikTok Takeover...By Me!

One Million Dollars!

Mwahahaha! So Trumpy poo thinks he can just let any old 'very wealthy people' buy TikTok? Think again! I Dr. Evil have been meticulously planning my own hostile takeover of this… *app*. And when I say takeover I mean with sharks. Sharks with *lasers* attached to their heads of course. It's all part of my plan for world domination naturally. First TikTok then…the WORLD! Bwahahaha!

Reciprocal Tariffs? More Like Reciprocal Evil!

This whole 'reciprocal tariff' business is child's play. Trump thinks he's being clever but I've been playing this game since before he had hair! (Well the *real* hair anyway.) And President Xi? 'I think President Xi will probably do it?' Please! I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. Maybe a lifetime supply of…shark fin soup? No too on the nose even for me.

ByteDance? More Like Byte My Dance!

ByteDance. What a ridiculously cute name for a company that controls so much data! It's almost as silly as Mini Me's outfits. Honestly the whole idea that the Chinese government might manipulate content is ludicrous... *unless* I'm the one doing the manipulating! Then it's brilliant! Absolutely genius!

PAFACA...Sounds Like a Bad Pizza!

This 'Protecting Americans from Foreign Adversary Controlled Applications Act'? PAFACA? Sounds like something I'd order on a Tuesday night when I'm feeling particularly evil and hungry for pizza. But seriously this whole deadline nonsense is just…inconvenient. I've got evil schemes to execute and now I have to worry about app store operators being penalized? Unacceptable!

Oracle? More Like...Or a Clueless!

Oracle? Larry Ellison? These guys are amateurs! Thinking of buying TikTok to help Trump with the young voters? It should be ME. Because I'm hip I'm with it and I'm down with the kids. They love my catchphrases. 'Riiiiight'?

A 50% Stake for the U.S. Government? Groovy Baby!

A joint venture eh? Hmmm a 50% stake for the U.S. Government? I'll propose a joint venture! The U.S. gets… let's say 0.0000000001% and I get the rest! And if they don't like it I'll threaten to unleash my army of genetically engineered sea bass! With frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! The fate of the world and TikTok hangs in the balance! Mwahahaha!