ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Epic Systems Dominates EHR Market, Oracle Left Crying in a Corner!

AQUATIC Theme Park Dominance!

People people! Doctor Evil is here to report on a truly EVIL triumph... for someone else! Apparently Epic Systems not my kind of evil has achieved its largest ever net gain in hospital market share in 2024. That's right they added 176 facilities and almost 30,000 beds. Beds! Where people sleep and dream of… well probably not me but they SHOULD be! All while Oracle that formerly Cerner entity lost 74 sites. Seventy four! It’s like they’re trying to fail which frankly is something I can respect… if they were doing it for ME! This is bad news for Oracle's plan to rule the healthcare world with an Iron Fist.. or more like a slightly used AI powered rubber chicken!

Silence of the ORACLES!

For the first time EVER Oracle refused to share its new contracts with Klas the health care IT research group. Can you believe the audacity? It's like Mini Me refusing to do my bidding! Unacceptable! Klas had to ESTIMATE Oracle’s market share. Estimate! It's as if they are hiding something Like they are afraid of the truth! The TRUTH is: They’re losing. Badly. Very badly. And the poor customer service! That's right the report calls out “poor partnership and a lack of follow through on promises" for Oracle. Promises! Just like I promised the world laser beams attached to sharks! Only you know I DELIVERED! Mostly.

Larry Ellison's AI Chicken!

Larry Ellison oh that flamboyant billionaire thinks his AI features are going to save the day. He boasts about the user interface being 'so different than Epic's.' Different doesn't always mean better Larry! It could mean…EVIL! But probably just means confusing. I can relate to the confusion I often think to myself why I'm wearing such uncomfortable shoes. And Ken Glueck an executive vice president at Oracle is calling Judy Faulkner the "single biggest obstacle to EHR interoperability.” The nerve of these people! It's like blaming Number Two for my failed laser beam to the moon! Unforgivable! I should put them both in a pit with sharks that have frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!

Outages and Paper Records! Oh the Humanity!

But here's the kicker: Oracle's EHR software has been plagued by outages and disastrous deployments. Five day outages! Hospitals resorting to paper records! It's like we're back in the Dark Ages before my cryogenic sleep! I should have bought stock in paper companies! Blast!

Epic's Customer Service – A Secret Weapon!

Klas report says Epic is winning because of its reputation for "customer partnership." Customer partnership! That's like me having a partnership with the world! A partnership of… DOMINATION! But seriously good customer service? What is this the 1950s? Where’s the evil the scheming the… well you know the things I stand for! It's like Austin Powers winning because he smells nice! Preposterous!

The Verdict: EPIC ALLY BAD for Oracle!

So there you have it. Epic is winning. Oracle is losing. The world is… well still not mine. But at least I can enjoy the schadenfreude of watching someone else's plans crumble. Maybe I should invest in Epic Systems. Or maybe… I should acquire them. Muahahaha! Number Two get me on the phone with… Judy Faulkner. I have a proposition for her. It involves one MILLION dollars!