Apple's Earnings Report: Tariffs, Trade Wars, and...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

The Apple pocalypse... Maybe?

Mwahahaha! It is I Doctor Evil here to dissect the financial entrails of Apple! They're reporting earnings you see and Wall Street is all a flutter about these… tariffs. TRUMP'S tariffs! Oh the humanity! Or should I say… the Apple anity?

One Point Six Three Billion Dollars!

These tariffs you see they're like… like a tiny Scott Evil trying to sabotage my plans! They could cost Apple a WHOPPING 6% of their earnings says TD Cowen! That's like… one point six three... BILLION dollars! Do you know what I could do with that kind of money? I could buy… miniature laser beams for… all my sharks!

Guidance? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Guidance!

And get this! Apple hasn't given formal guidance since 2020. Are they scared? Perhaps. Or maybe they are playing possum and formulating a counter attack of nefarious proportions! Oh the suspense is killing me! I may need to torture someone to relieve the pressure.

China Syndrome (The Economic Kind)

Now Apple's sales in China are also under the microscope. The Chinese they're all about that nationalism these days. Will they abandon the precious iPhone for some locally made… abomination? If they do it will be a travesty of epic proportions...or more money in my pockets to put towards my giant laser beam. Muahahaha!

Kevan Parekh... Sounds Like a Bond Villain's Henchman

Analysts will be grilling Tim Cook and his… finance chief Kevan Parekh (that name alone spells trouble!) about the outlook for mainland China. It sounds like the plot for a low budget Bond film. I can't wait to see what happens next can you?

The Final Tally: $94.6 Billion... Not Bad Apple Not Bad

So the numbers are in and Wall Street expects: Earnings per share: $1.63 and Revenue: $94.60 billion. Not bad Apple not bad. But remember the world is a dangerous place. It's only a matter of time before the next world altering event is set in motion...and who knows? Maybe I will be the one to benefit from it...Muahahaha!