Amazon Launches Satellites! A Mere Flea Bite Compared To My Plans For World Domination!

Kuiper? More Like Pooper!

So Jeff Bezos thinks he's a big shot eh? Launching a paltry 27 satellites. Twenty seven! I laugh in your general direction Bezos! I had more henchmen than that! But fine Amazon launched their second batch of these so called 'Kuiper' internet satellites on Monday. Big deal. It's just a tiny step in their plan for a massive constellation. A constellation of inconvenience I say! They think they're ramping up competition with Starlink. Pfft Starlink! Please! They're all just playing checkers while I'm playing... chess! With sharks! That have frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! (Note to self: check shark laser budget).

Lift Off... Or Should I Say 'Limp Off'?

Apparently some 'United Launch Alliance' (never heard of 'em!) sent those babies into orbit. Cape Canaveral Space Force Station... Sounds intimidating doesn't it? It's not. I've seen scarier putt putt golf courses! They even had a livestream! As if I have time to watch some nerd named Ben Chilton drone on about 'a new chapter in low Earth orbit satellite connectivity.' Wake me up when they're building a Death Star!

Delays Delays... My Patience Is Wearing Thin!

Oh and get this: the mission was RESCHEDULED. Twice! Inclement weather and a 'problem with the rocket booster.' What is this amateur hour? I never had problems like that with my rockets... mostly. There was that one time with the exploding space toilet... but we don't talk about that!

3,236 Satellites? That's All You Got?

Six years in the making? For THIS? They unveiled their plan for these internet beaming satellites way back when. It’s supposed to be a direct competitor to Elon Musk's Starlink which already has like 8,000 satellites up there. Ha! Amazon only has 54 after this launch. A measly 54! They're aiming for 3,236 in total. Sounds impressive until you remember my plans to hold the world ransom for ONE MILLION DOLLARS... *adjusts pinky ring* ...which is now like what $158 billion due to inflation?

FCC Deadlines? I Laugh In The Face Of Bureaucracy!

Apparently Amazon has to launch half of those satellites by July 2026 to keep the Federal Communications Commission happy. July 2026! I'll be ruling the world by then! They booked over 80 launches even with that nincompoop Elon Musk's SpaceX! Oh the irony! Using your competition to achieve your mediocre goals. It's almost… evil! (But not really. I'm still the evilest.)

Infrastructure Expansion? More Like Infrastructure of Insecurity!

Amazon Web Services CEO blathered about expanding infrastructure globally. Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me. More infrastructure more targets for… my diabolical plans! Muahahaha! So go ahead Bezos. Launch your satellites. Connect the world. It's all just paving the way for my ultimate totally not obvious plan for world domination! Now where's Mr. Bigglesworth? I need to stroke his fur and contemplate the finer points of global conquest.