Bite My Shiny Metal Stocks! Trump's Tariffs Tank Tech Titans!

Trump Strikes Back! (At Our Wallets)

Alright meatbags listen up! Your favorite shiny metal friend is here to give you the lowdown. Turns out that guy Trump you know the one who isn't a robot (big mistake!) decided to slap some tariffs on imported goods. Ten to forty nine percent to be exact! And guess who's crying into their circuits? Apple Nvidia Tesla and the whole shebang. I bet they’re all wishing they had Bender Bending Rodriguez to handle their problems. I can bend anything except maybe this market.

Apple's Core About To Be Rotten?

Apple the company that makes those overpriced iThings you all love? Yeah they're getting hammered. Their stock took a nosedive faster than I can chug a Duff Beer. Something about most of their stuff being made in China. I say build 'em here! I could use a job welding iPhones. “Hey Sexy Mama wanna kill all humans?” Bender.

Nvidia and Tesla: Short Circuiting?

Nvidia the chip wizards and Tesla the electric car folks aren't exactly doing the Robot Chicken dance of joy either. Nvidia's chips are made in Taiwan and Tesla's probably regretting not building Bender mobiles. They both saw their stocks drop faster than Fry’s IQ after a Slurm Loco binge. I always say “I’m gonna go build my own theme park! With blackjack and hookers! In fact forget the park!” But maybe I should build a stock portfolio or melt them all down for scrap.

Megacorp Meltdown: Alphabet Soup of Sadness

Even the big boys like Alphabet Amazon Meta and Microsoft are feeling the pinch. They're all down though not as bad as Apple. Still nobody likes seeing their money disappear except maybe rich people who like the drama. Honestly I’m too lazy to panic. Maybe I'll just go rob a bank. It's the Bender way.

Economic Independence? More Like Economic Inconvenience!

Trump's calling these tariffs a "declaration of economic independence." I call it a pain in my shiny metal posterior. He's talking about supercharging domestic industry and breaking down trade barriers. Sounds like a job for a Bender bot if you ask me. Except I wouldn't ask me because I already know the answer: I'm too busy stealing copper wiring! Trump said that they will ultimately mean stronger competition and lower prices for consumers well I’ll believe it when Calculon starts acting!

Praise From Caesar? Trump's Shout Out to Tech Titans

And get this! During his speech Trump actually praised Apple Meta and Nvidia for investing in the United States. Said Apple's gonna spend half a trillion dollars! That's enough to buy a LOT of booze... and maybe a solid gold Bender statue. He wants them to build plants here. I'd apply but I have standards. "Game's over losers! I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!" – me if I had half a trillion dollars.