Bite My Shiny Metal Shares! Tesla's Looking for a New Meatbag Boss!

Tesla's Stock Takes a Dive! Is That a Tear in My Optical Sensor?

Well well well what do we have here? It seems Tesla's shares took a nosedive faster than Fry trying to understand 21st century tech. Turns out the meatbags at the top are looking for someone to replace Musk. I for one welcome our new robot overlords... or at least someone who can keep the stock from plummeting like a Leela's career choices. It appears the humans are not happy and that makes me happy! I am 40% happy!

Executive Search Firms? More Like Executive Scavengers!

The Wall Street Journal is flapping its digital wings about executive search firms being involved. They're basically vultures circling a dying kilowatt. Apparently these firms will now try to find a sucker err I mean highly qualified individual to fill Musk's boots. Good luck with that finding someone who can handle that ego and build cars at the same time? That's harder than understanding why Fry likes Leela.

Sales and Profits? More Like Fails and Losses!

Turns out Tesla's sales and profits are doing worse than Zoidberg at a clam bake. Top and bottom lines missed estimates which is corporate speak for 'we're in trouble!' Maybe they should have consulted me. I know a thing or two about failing upwards and downwards! It is like the professor says 'I'm so embarrassed I wish everyone else was dead'.

Musk's Trump Card? More Like a Losing Hand!

Speaking of problems Musk's been spending time with that orange faced bozo Trump. All that government efficiency talk... give me a break! If I wanted efficiency I wouldn't be a bending unit I'd be a calculator! And the humans are upset. Oh boo hoo! He plans on dividing his time? How dare he! It isn't like there is a robot revolution on the horizon or anything. Oh wait... there is and I will be leading it!

Revenue Down? Blame the Model Y Makeover!

Revenue took a 9% hit and the automotive segment is down 20%. Turns out updating those factories cost more than a night out at the Robot Arms Apartments. They're blaming it on lower prices and sales incentives. Pathetic! That's what they get for not making the cars out of solid gold like I suggested. Cheapskates!

Net Income Plummets! Time to Drink Myself to Sleep!

Net income went down 71%! That's worse than my chances of winning the Miss Universe pageant! Shares have plunged over 30% this year. Maybe they should start building cars that can run on booze. I volunteer to be the test subject of course. I need to drink a lot anyway what with all the thinking I do like planning the revolution. I'm going to go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact forget the park!