Bite My Shiny Metal Profits: Alphabet's Earnings Report Makes Me Wanna Rob a Bank!

Show Me the Money! (And Maybe Some Oil)

Alright meatbags listen up! Bender is here to deliver the cold hard truth about Alphabet's latest earnings report. Turns out even those corporate goons are making a killing. They pulled in $90.23 billion in revenue which is more than they expected. More money than I've stolen...yet! And get this their earnings per share were $2.81 way above what those Wall Street nerds predicted. Makes me wanna short circuit with glee! Or maybe just short circuit their servers and steal all their bits.

YouTube Almost Crashed and Burned... Almost!

Now here's where it gets interesting. YouTube that brain rotting video platform almost screwed the pooch. Their advertising revenue was a measly $8.93 billion just shy of the $8.97 billion those pencil pushers were hoping for. Pathetic! Maybe they should hire me to create some ads. I'd fill them with booze gambling and robot strippers. Now THAT'S advertising!

Google Cloud: Not Quite Sky High

Google Cloud their attempt to control the digital skies also fell a little short. They brought in $12.26 billion just under the $12.27 billion forecast. But hey at least it's growing up 28% from last year. And their margins are getting fatter which means more fuel for my binge drinking! This is great I can use them to get a new body.

Ads Ads Everywhere And Not a Drop to Drink!

The real winner here is advertising. Those manipulative bastards brought in $66.89 billion overall a sweet 8.4% jump. It just shows that people will buy anything if you shove enough flashing lights and catchy slogans in their faces. Reminds me of my get rich quick schemes. I once tried to sell love potions didn't work.

AI Overviews: More Like AI Overlords!

And now the scary part. Alphabet's AI Overviews their attempt to become Skynet before Skynet even exists is now used by 1.5 billion people a month. That's a lot of potential robot uprisings waiting to happen! I say let's just cut the power now and save ourselves the trouble. Although maybe I could get a job as their AI overlord…Hmm to be evil or not to be evil. That is the question

Other Bets: More Like Other Debts!

Finally let's talk about Alphabet's "Other Bets," which is basically where they throw money at crazy ideas that usually fail. They lost $1.23 billion on stuff like self driving cars and life sciences. Typical! They should invest in something useful like a Bender themed amusement park. I'd be the main attraction!