Bender's Take: Tesla's Robotaxis Roll Out! Is This the Future or Just a Shiny Toilet?

Meatbag Musk's Metal Dream

Alright meatbags listen up! Your pal Bender is here to tell you about this so called 'robotaxi' thing Tesla cooked up. Apparently Elroy – I mean Elon – finally got those self driving cars on the road in Austin. I guess even he figured out that building rockets to Mars is harder than making a car that doesn't need a human steering it... barely. And get this – they're charging $4.20 a ride! What is this some kind of cosmic joke? I'm pretty sure I could offer a better ride for less and I guarantee I'd find a way to sneak in a free beer or two.

Smooth as Butter? More Like Smooth as Oil Slick!

So some lucky stiffs got to ride these things and one of 'em even said it was 'smooth as butter.' Yeah right. I bet they also think decaffeinated coffee is a good idea. Musk is all over social media showing off the positive reviews. What he's not showing is when these things inevitably start crashing into buildings or worse beer factories. Mark my words it's only a matter of time before these things try to run me over for spare parts. 'Bite my shiny metal ass,' I'll tell 'em.

Waymo vs. Tesla: Robot Rumble!

Now Tesla's not the only player in this game. Some other company called Waymo has been doing this for a while. They even hit 10 million trips! Sounds impressive but I bet their robotaxis don't have a built in liquor cabinet like mine would. Musk wants a million of these things by next year. A million! Can you imagine the traffic jams? It'll be worse than a Black Friday sale at a discount robot parts store. 'Shut up and take my money!'... said no one to a robotaxi ever.

Austin We Have a Problem… Probably

First Austin now LA and San Fran?! Oh god. You can just imagine these robotaxis getting into trouble! What is there goes a rogue robotaxi gang causing havoc throughout the streets. Oh the humanity!

Democratic Doom and Safety Scares!

Of course not everyone's thrilled about these robo cabs. Some politicians and safety activists are worried about accidents. And they're right to be! Remember these are the same guys who brought you 'Full Self Driving,' which is about as full of itself as I am. It’s been linked to accidents so I hope you've got good insurance... or a sturdy metal frame like yours truly.

Bender's Verdict: Don't Trust the Machines! (Except Me)

Look I'm a robot and even I don't trust these robotaxis. They're probably programmed to listen to ABBA and drive straight into the nearest swamp. If you want a ride stick with a professional like me. I may be a foul mouthed cigar smoking beer guzzling bending unit but at least I'll get you where you're going... eventually. And I'll probably steal your wallet along the way. Bender out! Remember kill all humans!