Recession Ruining Restaurants! Is Your Dinner Doomed?

Oh the Humanity! Or Rather the Inhumanity of Tariffs

Good heavens it's Stewie Griffin here reporting live from my ridiculously oversized playpen. The financial markets are in a state darling! Apparently President Trump has decided to slap tariffs on everything but my world domination plans and investors are panicking like Brian after one too many martinis. Restaurant stocks are plummeting faster than Lois's self esteem after a particularly brutal family dinner. I daresay it's quite the catastrophe! I mean how am I supposed to enjoy my post diaper change caviar if the world economy is collapsing?

Starbucks Down! Is the Pumpkin Spice Latte to Blame?

Starbucks that beacon of caffeinated mediocrity is taking a nosedive. Shares have sunk nearly 20% since these ghastly tariffs were announced. Apparently someone suggested it might be 'anti American sentiment' and 'recession risk.' Good heavens anti American sentiment? Have these people seen the atrocities being committed on reality television? Anyway if Starbucks goes down where will all the basic social media users go to post pictures of their ridiculously oversized beverages? Oh the horror!

Coffee Catastrophe! Brazil and Vietnam Feel the Burn

And it appears that the coffee itself is under siege! Trump is slapping tariffs on key coffee exporters like Vietnam and Brazil. Now I'm no expert on agriculture – unless you count my failed attempt to grow a money tree – but apparently coffee production can't just be shifted to the US. Between this and the looming climate disaster I guess I should switch to tea. Earl Grey hot. And make it snappy!

Applebee's and IHOP: Failing to Satisfy

It's not just overpriced coffee getting hit darling. Casual dining chains like Applebee's and IHOP are also feeling the pinch. Shares of Dine Brands are sinking faster than Peter at a buffet. I mean who's going to pay for those questionable pancakes and microwaved appetizers when they're worried about affording rent? It's all rather… bleak.

Fast Food Follies: Even McDonald's Isn't Lovin' It

Even the bastion of culinary convenience McDonald's is getting a beating! Apparently even cheap burgers aren't immune to economic downturns. Remember during recessions the less fortunate cut back on food costs while those with higher incomes stick to their dining habits leading to declines for quick service restaurants. Is nothing sacred? Are you telling me that even the siren song of the golden arches is losing its allure? Good Heavens! The end is nigh!

A Glimmer of Hope? Or Just More Caffeine?

But fear not dear readers! There's a glimmer of hope on the horizon! Dutch Bros. a fast growing rival of Starbucks is actually seeing its shares rise! Perhaps there’s room for the new guy! And Cava's doing alright too. Domino's is also experiencing a slight rise in stock. So if the world does end at least we can all drown our sorrows in lukewarm pizza! Ta ta for now!