Screw You Guys, I'm Getting Coffee! Chinese Coffee Chains Invade America!

Respect My Authoritah! China's Coffee Conquest

Oh hamburgers! Listen up you guys! Those googly eyed Chinese are trying to take over the world one coffee cup at a time. First they beat Starbucks in China with their stupid Luckin Coffee – and now they're coming for us! It's like when Wendy Testaburger thinks she's better than me but with like a million more people and weird coffee. Butters get me my leadership pants; we have some serious business to discuss.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Willis? Scandalous Comebacks

Apparently this Luckin Coffee place got into some trouble with numbers – you know like when Kyle tries to explain math to me. But somehow they made a comeback with cheap coffee and flavors that sound like something my mom would buy at Whole Foods. Alcohol infused latte? What is this a coffee shop or a bar mitzvah? I bet Kyle is already writing a paper about the ethics of caffeinated booze.

Kick Ass and Take Names: New York New York!

So these commies are setting up shop in New York just like Cotti Coffee. I bet they think New Yorkers are all sophisticated and stuff but they're just a bunch of Stan's. I mean who needs another place to get overpriced coffee? I could make better coffee in my sleep! Well maybe not but I could definitely yell at Butters to make it for me.

Beefcake! Tech and Bean Roasting Shenanigans

These guys use technology and roast their own beans to keep the prices low. It's like when I try to build a robot to do my chores. It sounds good in theory but it always ends up backfiring. Butters where's my coffee making robot? Oh wait. I haven't built one yet. Well get on it!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home! Price Wars and Global Domination

Now Starbucks is lowering their prices because they're scared of the Chinese. Good! Maybe they'll start making their coffee taste like something other than burnt tires. And these Chinese chains? They're burning cash to get market share just like when I try to start a business. Except my businesses usually involve getting rich quick schemes that fail miserably.

Mmm Mmm Mmm: Cream Cheese Tea and the Future of Coffee

They're even selling tea with cream cheese on top! What the hell? That sounds like something Kenny would eat. But hey if it gets me more customers I'm all for it. Maybe I'll start selling my own cream cheese tea. I'll call it 'Cartman's Creamy Dreamy Tea.' It'll be the best tea ever! Respect my tea authority!