Screw You Guys, I'm Buying Amazon Stock! Is Amazon the Secret Weapon Against China?

Respect My Authoritah! Trump's Tariff Tantrum

Okay so listen up you guys! That d*ck President Trump is throwing a hissy fit with China over tariffs. He's like 'I'm gonna slap a 10% tariff on everything!' and China's all 'Oh no you di'int!' And I'm just sitting here thinking 'Why can't everyone just respect my authoritah?!'

Amazon: The Ultimate Cartmanland?

But here's where it gets interesting. Jim Cramer that dude on TV who screams a lot says Amazon could be our secret weapon. Apparently like half the crap Amazon sells comes from China. So Cramer thinks Amazon should just say 'Screw you China! We're not stocking your stuff!' It's like telling Wendy Testaburger she can't come to my birthday party! Epic!

Kick Ass and Take Names (and Lower Prices)

Cramer's all 'Amazon's fighting China!' Which is like totally awesome! Imagine Bezos in a superhero costume kicking Chinese butt! He also said if Amazon stopped stocking Chinese goods the Chinese factories would be screwed because they are kinda like poor. Then the ChiComs will have to sell their crap somewhere else...good luck selling that elsewhere guys!

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home (With My Profits)

And get this the Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent that other douchebag is saying the US exports only one fifth to China of what they export to us! Meaning China will have the losing hand. Which is why I'm gonna invest in Amazon...because screw you guys I'm going home... with my profits!

Blame Canada! (Or China)

Of course everyone's freaking out. The stock market is going up and down like Mr. Garrison on a date. But Bessent thinks maybe just maybe China will be willing to talk if they get a good deal. So hopefully China will be like Canada soon enough. I can't stand those Chinese people!

Beefcake! Yeah!

So there you have it. Amazon might save us all from this tariff crap. And if it does I'm totally gonna take credit for it. Because I'm Eric Cartman and I'm awesome! BEEFCAKE! YEAH!