Screw You Guys, Home Depot Gets All the Money! Acquisition Spree is Sweeter Than Mom's Chicken Pot Pie!

Respect My Authoritah! Home Depot's Buying Spree

Alright listen up you little twerps! Home Depot those capitalist pigs are buying GMS for a whopping $4.3 BILLION! Can you believe it? It's like they're saying 'Screw you guys we're taking all the money!' And who can blame them? DIY is for losers anyway. This is about the pros the guys who know what they're doing. Because let's face it you probably don't know what you are doing.

Billionaire Bedlam: The Great Bidding War

So apparently this billionaire douchebag named Brad Jacobs wanted GMS too. He even offered $5 billion! But Home Depot those sneaky bastards swooped in and said 'No kitty this is MY pot pie!' Looks like someone needs to learn a thing or two about respect for authoritah! Seriously who loses a bidding war to Home Depot? Get on my level Jacobs.

Growing Up is Optional Money is Not

Home Depot's not messing around. They want the sweet sweet cash that comes from the real deal not some dinky little birdhouse project you losers are building on weekends. We're talking about big stuff here the electricians roofers the guys who actually know what they're doing. This deal makes it clear: Home Depot is all about the money! And as we all know money makes the world go round... especially for me!

SRSly? Another Acquisition?

And get this: Home Depot's subsidiary SRS Distribution is the one doing the buying. They already bought SRS for $18.25 billion last year! It's like they're playing Monopoly but with real companies and real money. You know it would be nice if they spread the wealth a bit. Maybe buy a few extra large pizzas for yours truly Cartman!

DIY? More Like DIE Why Are You So Stupid?

Turns out all you dumb DIYers are slowing down. Mortgage rates are up and people are too poor to remodel their houses. Good. Maybe now you'll learn your lesson. Leave the big stuff to the pros and leave the money to Home Depot. Now I can almost afford to buy my own theme park Cartmanland!

2.8% Sales Growth? That's Bullshit!

Home Depot's expecting sales to grow by 2.8%. Seriously? That's nothing! They need to hustle harder and make some REAL money. I bet if I was running Home Depot sales would be through the roof! I'd have so much money I could buy the freakin' moon! But you know whatever. Screw you guys I'm going home.