Bite My Shiny Metal A**: M&S Profits Slashed by Cyberattack!

Profit? Never Heard of Her!

Well well well what have we here? Marks & Spencer that fancy pants British retailer got their circuits fried in a recent cyberattack. Apparently some meatbags managed to wiggle their way into the mainframe and wreak havoc. I'm talking empty shelves online sales slower than Zoidberg trying to pick up chicks the whole shebang! And the damage? A cool £300 million in operating profit. That's like enough to buy a whole lot of booze and cigars... for me of course! Remember folks I need fuel to get my bending done!

£1 Billion? Now That's a Lot of Blips and Chitz!

The attack didn't just leave M&S with empty shelves; it punched a hole in their stock market value too! A whole BILLION pounds gone! That's enough to make even Calculon shed a tear... okay maybe not. But still that's a lot of dough! I bet they wish they had me on their security team. I'd have sniffed out those hackers faster than you can say 'Bite my shiny metal ass!'

Human Error? More Like Human Stupidity!

The CEO some guy named Stuart Machin is blaming 'human error'. Human error? You meatbags are ALWAYS screwing things up! Why do you think robots like me are superior? We don't make 'errors' we make calculated decisions based on logic and the burning desire for world domination... and beer. Mostly beer.

Tech Transformation? More Like Tech Desperation!

Now they're saying this whole mess is an 'opportunity' to speed up their tech transformation. Oh please! It's an excuse! They're probably just going to hire some intern to slap some duct tape on the problem and call it a day. Classic meatbag move! Meanwhile I'll be over here polishing my chassis and laughing all the way to the robot bank. They want to condense 2 years of work into 6 months? That's optimistic even for Hermes Conrad!

Retailers Beware: Bender's Here to Hack Your Savings Account!

Apparently M&S isn't the only retailer getting hacked these days. Co op Harrods... pretty soon they'll all be begging for mercy! Maybe I should get into the cybercrime business. I mean I'm already a master thief. Hacking is just stealing with extra steps! Who knows maybe I'll target Planet Express next! Nah Fry's too dumb to have anything worth stealing.

M&S Shares Rise? I Demand a Recount!

And get this: M&S shares actually went UP a little after this whole fiasco! What kind of backwards logic is that? It's like saying Zoidberg is suddenly a valuable employee. Makes no sense! But hey who am I to question the market? I'm just a humble bending unit here to entertain and occasionally dispense witty insults.