Victory is mine! Foiled Again! America Thwarts Iran's Nuclear Shenanigans (Or Does It?)

The Ol' Bait and Switch!

Good heavens! So apparently according to this Vance fellow we're not at war with Iran but rather their pesky little nuclear aspirations. It's like saying I'm not trying to conquer the world I'm just very very interested in global domination! I mean really are we all daft? As if splitting hairs makes it any less...explody! Oh Rupert fetch me my thinking cap! This requires a new level of maniacal planning.

Hegseth's Boastful Bluster!

And then there's Pete Hegseth declaring Iran's 'nuclear ambitions have been obliterated!' Obliterated you say? Well colour me skeptical! It all sounds a bit like when Brian claims he's finished writing his novel. I'll believe it when I see it... preferably from a safe distance preferably behind a lead wall and a very large martini.

Meet the Press (and My Disappointment)

Vance bless his heart went on 'Meet the Press' to reassure everyone that we're not bloodthirsty warmongers just...nuclear program dismantlers. He keeps repeating 'We want peace!' but the subtext is 'Peace but only if you do exactly what we say!' It's the kind of diplomacy that would make Machiavelli blush and promptly order a stiff gin and tonic.

Iran's Cheeky Comeback

Of course Iran's Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi isn't exactly rolling over and playing dead. Oh no he's all 'We reserve all options!' which in diplomatic speak translates to: 'Try anything funny and we'll make you regret it!' It's like when I threaten Brian with my ray gun – all bravado until the power runs out. Let's just hope everyone's keeping their batteries charged.

Loose Lips Sink Ships (and Possibly Nations)

When pressed about the damage to the nuclear sites Vance got all cagey. 'I'm not going to get into sensitive intelligence,' he declared which is politician speak for 'I haven't a bloody clue!' But he assures us they've 'substantially delayed' Iran's nuclear weapon development. Which is just wonderful news that's a win for me. As opposed to Brian's constant rambling that's never a win!

To Be Continued... (Hopefully Not in Flames)

So there you have it. A not quite war a possibly obliterated nuclear program and a whole lot of diplomatic dancing around the elephant in the room... which is of course a very large very dangerous and potentially radioactive elephant. Oh this is just delightful! A perfect setting for my own rise to power! Muahahaha!