Victory is Mine! China Caves to My Economic Genius (Or Something)

Prelude to Global Conquest

Good heavens has it been a productive weekend. As if plotting the demise of Lois wasn't enough I had to oversee the *ahem* 'productive' trade talks between the US and China in Geneva. Honestly sometimes I feel like I'm the only one around here who knows anything about economics. I mean Brian thinks the stock market is just a place where dogs buy bones. 'Good boy get a dividend!' Ha! Anyway Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (a name I'll soon replace mark my words) mumbled something about a 'great deal' of productivity. Details to follow apparently. As if I Stewie Griffin would leave you hanging like a cheap piñata.

The Tangerine Tyrant Weighs In

Apparently Bessent and U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer (another pawn in my grand scheme) even spoke to President Trump. Imagine that. The man probably thought 'tariffs' were some sort of delicious pastry. Bessent assured me – I mean assured *them* – that Trump is 'fully informed.' Riiight. Fully informed like Peter Griffin is fully capable of holding down a job. Still it seems even *he* is claiming victory. Oh joy. Perhaps I should remind him that it was *my* influence that secured this momentous occasion.

A 'Deal' of Some Sort… Maybe

Greer bless his clueless heart even suggested they reached some kind of 'deal.' Specifics? Who needs those? He hailed the discussions as 'very constructive.' Oh spare me. Constructive like Lois' advice on fashion. I swear that woman's wardrobe is a crime against humanity. 'It's important to understand how quickly we were able to come to agreement,' Greer blathered. Which probably means China caved the moment I entered the room radiating pure unadulterated genius. Naturally. Or perhaps the differences were not so large after all... like Peter's brain capacity.

National Emergency Averted (Probably)

Greer is 'confident that the deal we struck with our Chinese partners will help us work toward resolving that national emergency.' You know the one where nobody can afford my exquisitely crafted death rays because of exorbitant tariffs? Ahem I mean the *other* national emergency. Whatever it is it’s probably Lois’s cooking again.

The Root of All Evil (and Trade)

This whole charade stems from the US China trade war a delightful little spat that started with Trump slapping 145% tariffs on Beijing. China being the party poopers they are retaliated with 125% levies on US goods. The result? Financial markets in turmoil and consumers facing the horror of fewer goods and higher prices. Like they haven't suffered enough just existing on this planet. Although this deal probably won't last similar to Peter when he tries to have self control.

Trump's Truth (Social) Bomb

And of course the Orange One weighed in on Truth Social. 'Very good meeting today with China,' he bleated. 'Many things discussed much agreed to. A total reset negotiated in a friendly but constructive manner.' Oh please. He probably spent the whole time trying to sell them MAGA hats. Bessent ever the diplomat mentioned he and Greer met with the vice premier of China and a couple of vice ministers. Apparently they're 'integrally involved' in the discussions. Or maybe they just brought the good tea. Either way it's all part of my plan. Soon the world will be mine! Muah ha ha ha!