Trump Eyes Fox News Host Jeanine Pirro for Top Prosecutor Gig: Oh, Joy!

A Plot Thicker Than My Diaper

Good heavens has the world gone mad? Or perhaps it's just Tuesday. Reports are swirling faster than Brian after a martini that Donald Trump—yes the man who once confused windmills with monsters—is considering Fox News' Jeanine Pirro for the interim U.S. Attorney gig in D.C. It appears the previous chap Ed Martin wasn't quite up to snuff. Or perhaps he was too busy penning love letters to January 6th defendants? Who can say? I certainly can't be bothered to.

From TV Screens to Courtroom Dreams

Pirro you see is not just a pretty face on television (though that's debatable). She's also a former district attorney. And let's not forget a staunch Trump supporter. One might even say she's more loyal than Brian is to a half eaten bowl of kibble. Remember when Trump pardoned her ex husband for tax evasion? Ah sweet nepotism! It's like Christmas morning but with more legal loopholes.

Martin's Missed Martini

Poor Ed Martin. His nomination went down faster than Peter at an all you can eat buffet. Apparently his support for the January 6th crowd didn't sit too well with the Senate. Even some Republicans were all 'Hold on is this guy serious?' Senator Thom Tillis bless his heart decided he wouldn't back Martin. The nerve!

Trump's Take: A Masterpiece of Understatement

When asked about Martin's failed nomination Trump offered a quote so profound so Shakespearean it nearly brought a tear to my eye. 'He's a terrific person and he wasn't getting the support.' Oh the agony! The injustice! One can only imagine the sleepless nights Trump endured over this debacle. I bet he barely had time to tweet angry rants!

The Plot Thickens (Again!)

Trump ever the master strategist assured us that someone else 'who's gonna be great' would be announced soon. Enter Jeanine Pirro. Will she get the job? Will she turn the D.C. courthouse into a set for Fox News? Will I finally get a decent martini in this town? Only time will tell.

My Professional Diagnosis

Good heavens! What fresh madness is this? Honestly I need a drink. Preferably something strong enough to erase this entire news cycle from my memory. Perhaps a double martini shaken not stirred. Or maybe just a lobotomy. Because frankly at this point anything seems preferable to watching this political circus continue. World domination seems like a much more stable career path...cheerio!