Signalgate 2.0: Even Trump's Guys Can't Resist a Little Encrypted Chatting! (Shh, Don't Tell)

One Million Dollars!

Bwahahaha! So it seems my old nemesis Donald Trump has a bit of a problem. It appears his own administration is flouting his orders even after that whole 'Signalgate' fiasco! You know like when Mini Me tries to tell me what to do. Honestly it's like herding cats... that are plotting against you. And they're using SIGNAL! Can you believe it? I mean come on! I invented the laser; you'd think they'd at least use my proprietary evil comms system. But noooooo. Oh well that's what I get for not having enough Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads! Maybe I'll make them an offer of... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Sharks with Frickin' Archives Attached to Their Heads!

Apparently Mike Waltz ex National Security Advisor was caught red handed with a modified Signal app thanks to some shutterbug at Reuters! This 'TeleMessage' thing adds an archiving feature which is incredibly dull even for me. It's like Austin Powers using a calculator to seduce women. Pointless and a waste of resources. They're using it because they need to save their messages who would want to save a message?! And so they can get away with illegal things. It's not very hard to clone an app I could get one million dollars for it which is what I should hold the world ransom for.

Smarsh? Sounds Like a Failed Supervillain!

This TeleMessage is owned by some company called Smarsh. Smarsh?! What kind of name is that for a company? It sounds like a villain who gets defeated in the first act. They claim they 'merely help customers adhere to regulations'. Mwahahaha! Of course they do! It's always about regulations! The rules are what make life boring. They want to adhere to laws but not to what Trump wants them to do? They are all triple crossing Trump. They'll have to come up with a new plan if they want to take over the world.

Houthi Targets and Jeffrey Goldberg: A Recipe for Disaster!

Oh this is delicious! Waltz and his merry band of mischief makers even discussed potential military strikes on Houthi targets via this app. And guess what? They accidentally added Jeffrey Goldberg the editor of *The Atlantic* to the thread. Accidents happen but to a supervillain they are not accidents. They are traps that people fall into just like Austin Powers! I'm sure that created a buzz even though it was not good for them. Whoops! I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation... or maybe a strategically placed listening device. Yes that sounds more my speed!

Signalgate: A Policy Lesson or a Joke?

Trump says he learned to 'maybe don't use Signal'. Maybe? MAYBE?! This is your inner circle! If they're not following your orders on something as basic as a messaging app what else are they hiding? It's all just a bunch of double crossing backstabbers! Well they should be using ME as their leader and ruler because I'm the best supervillain. With sharks with frikkin' laser beams attached to their heads. And I will be the ambassador to the United Nations?! I will be running the place!

Rivals! Foiled Again!

Rubio is taking over as interim national security advisor. What a bunch of losers. All they want is more power and to take over the world but they don't want to ask for my advice. I can show them how to be evil what's more I can make them more powerful than they have ever dreamed of. Mini me also has some ideas which are even better than mine. He thinks if we take them under our wing we can have a larger army and finally defeat Austin Powers once and for all.