One BILLION Stamps! Doctor Evil Takes Over the Post Office! Mwahahaha!

The Plot Thickens (Like My Evil Stew)

So they think they're being clever eh? Replacing that DeJoy fellow (who sounds suspiciously like 'destroy,' fittingly enough) with this...Steiner. Waste Management? FedEx Board Member? Oh this is going to be easier than stealing candy from a baby seal! I mean who better to run the Post Office than someone who knows all about waste and delivery? It's like they WANT me to take over! One BILLION dollars muahaha!

A Loss of $9.5 Billion? Child's Play!

Nine point five BILLION dollars in losses? Pshaw! That's chump change! I lose more than that on a bad day at the roulette table. With my leadership we'll be losing...well probably more but it'll be for EVIL purposes! Think of the possibilities! We can start putting tracking devices in every letter! Blackmail! Extortion! The world is our oyster baby!

Steiner's Empty Promises

He says he deeply admires the "public service" and "business mission." Oh please! Public service? The only service I'm interested in is global domination! And as for business well let's just say my business model involves a lot more lasers and sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. Although postage stamps CAN be pretty sharp...

Tremendous Change? Try Evil Transformation!

They say Steiner led "tremendous change" at Waste Management. I'll show them tremendous change! I'm talking about a complete overhaul! We'll replace the mail trucks with rocket powered postal pods! Every postman will be equipped with a jetpack! And the stamps? Each one will contain a subliminal message designed to brainwash the masses! Mwahahaha!

Frederick Smith Praises Steiner? A Partnership of Evil!

Ah Frederick Smith of FedEx. Another businessman singing Steiner's praises. Perhaps we can collaborate! Imagine a global delivery network controlled by yours truly! We could corner the market on doomsday devices! Imagine ordering a shrink ray and having it delivered right to your doorstep! The possibilities are endless!

One BILLION Dollars! (I Said It Again!)

So Steiner welcome to the United States Postal Service. Or as I like to call it the United States Postal Service of EVIL! Get ready to work harder than Mini Me after a triple espresso because we've got a world to conquer. And remember if you fail me I've got a whole fleet of sharks with frickin' laser beams. One BILLION DOLLARS!