Harvard Under Fire: A Blofeldian Plot Against Academic Freedom?

One MILLION Dollars! ...Or Maybe a Lawsuit

So the Trump administration bless their tiny little hearts has accused Harvard of *ahem* 'severe pervasive and objectively offensive harassment' of Jewish students. Following the October 7th Hamas attack apparently things went a bit...Sidney Poitier's *Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?* if you catch my drift. They're saying it's a 'pattern of unlawful and unchecked discrimination'. Unchecked! Like a rogue Austin Powers with a mojo that just won't quit! Honestly what is Harvard DOING? Has no one learned from my meticulously planned yet ultimately foiled attempts at world domination? This is basic evil people. Basic. One *million* dollars!

Deliberate Indifference? More Like Deliberately Stupid!

The investigation claims Harvard’s response was akin to 'deliberate indifference.' Deliberate indifference! Honestly it's like leaving the keys to the Doomsday Device lying around. This isn't rocket science people it's evil science! They’re saying Harvard's promises to improve are 'inadequate.' Inadequate! Sounds like my performance review after that whole moon laser incident. Mini Me wasn't impressed either. He just kept saying 'Eeeee!' which let's be honest is pretty much Harvard's response in a nutshell.

HARVARD... Why won't you love me?

Now get this: the Trump administration is threatening to sic the Department of Justice on Harvard. A federal lawsuit! It's like unleashing a pack of ill tempered sea bass with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! (Note to self: patent that.) Harvard naturally is denying everything claiming they've taken 'substantive proactive steps.' Right. Because *that's* what people say when they're about to be slapped with a federal lawsuit. 'Oh we're being *proactive*!' As if.

Two BILLION Dollars! (Shakes Fist)

And here's the kicker: The Trump Administration terminated the remainder of their federal grants to Harvard on top of a grant freeze the month before that had amounted to more than 2 billion. Two *BILLION* dollars! Do you know what I could do with two billion dollars? I could buy so many cats! And then train them to take over the world! (Mini Me get the catnip.)

Elite Universities Under Siege

Harvard isn't alone of course. Columbia University is also getting the evil eye. It seems someone's decided to make an example of these 'elite' institutions. Which I have to admit I find somewhat...amusing. Schadenfreude baby! I almost feel...*warm*. I must resist! This is a trap!

Negotiations... or a Doomsday Device in Disguise?

There were negotiations apparently but they stalled when the White House demanded control over admissions and personnel decisions. Control! That's what *I'm* talking about! Now *that's* how you run a global empire...or you know a university. Trump even said a deal was 'mindbogglingly' HISTORIC. Mindbogglingly! Sounds like someone's been watching too much of my highlight reel. I want royalties!