Germany's Defense Spending: From Two Percent to Five Percent... MILLION DOLLARS!

Two Percent? How About... One Hundred Billion Dollars!

Alright minions gather 'round! It seems Germany that land of sausages and slightly terrifying efficiency is facing a bit of a pickle. A NATO pickle if you will! They're currently spending around a paltry 2% of their GDP on defense. That's like what... ninety billion euros? One hundred and four billion... DOLLARS! Which frankly is an amount I would ask for ransom and I can't even get that.

Five Percent? A Dr. Evil Sized Target

But now these NATO busybodies led by... well Orange Man are pushing for a WHOPPING 5%! That's 3.5% for classic defense and 1.5% for fancy things like cyber security and ensuring the internet stays up for my evil schemes. Now normally I'd applaud world powers spending money on world domination but this is just costing ME money!

Loans? Taxes? Sounds Like a Goldmember Plot!

The Germans are in a tizzy! Apparently jumping from 2% to 5% is going to require 'additional tens of billions of euros' each year. Where's the money coming from? Why loans of course! And tax increases! Sounds like a Goldmember plot if you ask me everything is so expensive.

Debt Brake? More Like a... Debt Accelerator!

They've even got some fancy financial footwork going on with a 'debt brake' that doesn't seem to stop them from racking up debt. It's like a dieting plan where you're allowed to eat cake on Tuesdays... because it is Tuesday. Brilliant! Sheer genius! I should hire these people just get the debt off my back.

EU Rules? Bend 'Em Like Beckham!

And then there are the pesky EU fiscal rules! Imagine that limitations on debt! What is this world coming to? Luckily they can suspend these rules under 'exceptional circumstances.' And what's more exceptional than potentially getting blown to smithereens by... well probably me? I have to be careful in case the news reports that! If it does this article is self destructing in 10 seconds.

Feasible? Yes! But then again maybe not...

So can Germany pull this off? Experts say 'easily' in the short term but 'substantial reform' in the long term. Which basically means 'Maybe but probably not without a whole lot of yelling and accounting tricks!' But hey I'm sure they'll figure it out. After all if they can't who's going to pay for my next world domination scheme? That's right the ones that pay the NATO budget. And don't even get me STARTED on trying to get Austin Powers to pay... THAT guy is so hard to work with.