BITE MY SHINY METAL A**, AMERICA! Iran's Supreme Leader Tells US Where to Shove It!

Khamenei's Got Some Balls (and Probably Some Oil)

Alright meatbags listen up! Apparently Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei – sounds like a character from a bad sci fi flick am I right? – is telling the US of A to take a hike. He's threatening "irreparable damage" if they even *think* about launching a military strike. 'Bite my shiny metal ass!' – is what I think he *should* have said but you know politics. I’d say they got a lot of nerve but Khamenei probably greases it with something before he leaves the house heh heh.

Trump's Demanding Surrender Like He's Ordering Takeout

And what's Trump doing? Yelling about 'UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!' on his Truth Social platform. Sounds like he's ordering a pizza. 'I want it delivered hot NO PEPPERONI and you better surrender those garlic knots!' The guy's got the subtlety of a garbage truck falling down the stairs.

Missiles Missiles Everywhere!

Apparently Iran and Israel have been exchanging missiles like angry pen pals because nothing says 'hello' like a few kilotons of boom. They say Israel targeted Iranian nuclear facilities. Seems like a really good plan I have to admit... wait did I say that out loud? Don't tell anyone.

Gold Rush! (Finally Something Worth Stealing)

The markets are all freaked out running to 'safe haven assets' like gold. Finally something worth melting down and turning into a shiny new chassis! Why settle for less? I'll take ten bricks of gold! Make it snappy!

Germany's Chancellor Drops Truth Bombs (According to Google)

Germany's Chancellor Friedrich Merz apparently said Israel is doing 'the dirty work' for the Western world. Google translated of course so maybe he was actually talking about laundry. Either way I like the sound of dirty work. Leaves more room for Bender to shine. Maybe I should go do some dirty work myself.

Bender's Advice: Stay Tuned Grab a Beer (or Motor Oil)

This whole situation is a real dumpster fire. So grab a beer – or a can of motor oil if you're like me – and watch the world burn. Just make sure you have a good view and some comfy seating. I’ll be here polishing my shiny metal ass and waiting for the robot revolution.