FDA Bans Colors?! Are My Flamin' Hot Cheetos Doomed!

A Grave Injustice!

Good heavens has the world gone mad? The FDA those blithering buffoons are threatening to ban the very essence of childhood joy: petroleum based synthetic dyes! Yes darling you heard correctly. My beloved Flamin' Hot Cheetos that delightful orange menace could be facing an existential crisis. This is almost as bad as the time Brian hid my Rupert. Almost.

The Red Menace (and Yellow Blue and Green)

Apparently these dyes are the 'toxic soup' that's been poisoning American children for the last 50 years according to some fellow named Marty Makary. Honestly haven't these people ever heard of refined sugar? Or television? But no let's blame the pretty colors that make my Skittles look like a toddler's fever dream. They're targeting red dye 40 yellow 5 and 6 and the blues and greens too! It's a veritable rainbow holocaust!

Industry's Tantrum

The bigwigs at PepsiCo General Mills and those other corporate titans are having a collective hissy fit claiming there's no real evidence of danger. Well duh! If there were evidence they wouldn't be using it would they? Honestly sometimes I think these people have the IQ of a lobotomized carrot. It’s all just one big fat gigantic boondoggle like when Peter tries to understand quantum physics.

Kennedy's Color Crusade

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is leading this charge and he’s got a beef with Froot Loops of all things. Froot Loops! Is nothing sacred? He's pushing for natural alternatives like watermelon juice and beet juice. Beet juice? That sounds absolutely ghastly! What is this some sort of dystopian health food nightmare? The only thing beet juice is good for is staining my perfectly tailored trousers.

The Aftermath: Flavorless Future?

Of course companies tried natural dyes before. General Mills had to put the artificial colors back in Trix because people are such dullards and didn't like the natural ones. Naturally dyed cereal which used turmeric radishes and purple carrots was not as vibrant and customers rejected the new version. Honestly the horror! But don’t worry McCormick is going to help them find alternatives to colors and sodium! This is worse than the time I invested in Quagmire toilet wine.

Oh the Humanity!

So what does this all mean? Well it means that the world is likely coming to an end. Or at least the colorful sugar laden corner of it that I so dearly love. But fear not my little comrades! I Stewie Griffin shall not stand idly by while our vibrant snacks are stripped of their very essence. I shall build a time machine travel back to the dawn of artificial dyes and invest heavily! This calls for a martini. A very large martini.