Donuts Safe! Trump Saves America From Expensive Diet Pills!

Woohoo! No Diet Pills on My Doughnut Dime!

Alright folks Homer Simpson here reporting live from my couch (again)! I just heard the best news since they invented chocolate covered pretzels. That Trump guy the one with the… interesting hair he axed that Biden idea to make Medicare pay for diet pills! Like those fancy schmancy Wegovy and Zepbound things. Mmm 'Zepbound' sounds like a new flavor of donut… but nope it's just gonna help people be not fat and I don't know about you but I'm pro fat baby!

Billions? That's Like a Million Donuts!

So apparently letting Medicare cover these pills would've cost the government BILLIONS. That's like a million… no a GAZILLION donuts! Can you imagine all the sprinkles we could buy with that kind of dough? And here's the kicker: these pills cost like a thousand bucks BEFORE insurance! A thousand bucks! I could buy a lifetime supply of Duff beer for that! Don't have a cow man these companies are trying to milk us like Milhouse's mom.

Only Obese People? That's Discrimination!

And get this only “obese” people – whoever THEY are – would get the pills. What about the rest of us who are… uh… “metabolically gifted”? It's just not fair. If they're gonna hand out pills everyone should get one! Maybe they should come in donut flavor. Mmm pill flavored donuts.

Trump Saves The Day! Or At Least My Wallet!

So Trump swoops in and saves the day (and my wallet). For now anyway. The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (say that three times fast!) might reconsider this whole thing later. But for now I'm safe. Safe to indulge in my favorite pastime: eating. 'I'm not normally a religious man but if you're up there save me Superman!'

Lilly and Novo Feeling the Pinch? Good!

Word on the street (or at Moe's Tavern) is that the companies that make these pills Novo Nordisk and Eli Lilly are kinda bummed. Their stocks took a nosedive! Serves 'em right! Trying to take away our precious excess baggage. Nobody likes change especially if it involves less eating!

D'oh! Maybe I Should Exercise...

Look I'm not saying I'm AGAINST being healthy. I mean sometimes I think about ya know maybe doing a sit up or two. But then I remember there's a perfectly good couch right here. And a TV. And donuts. Decisions decisions! In the meantime I'm gonna keep fighting the good fight… the fight against salads! Mmm salad. Just kidding! D'oh!