Doh! Epic Systems Crushes Oracle Like a Bug on My Windshield!

Mmm Market Share...

Woohoo! Turns out Epic Systems – not to be confused with that time I tried to build a rollercoaster in the backyard – is the big cheese in electronic health records. Apparently they added a whopping 176 facilities and 29,399 beds in 2024. Beds! You know what goes great with beds? Naps! And donuts! Mmm donuts...

Oracle? More Like Or a CLEAN UP ON AISLE FIVE!

Poor Oracle. They lost 74 sites and 17,232 beds. That's like losing all my hair... wait a minute! Well it's like losing all the hair I *used* to have. They even refused to share their new contracts. It's like when Bart refuses to share his Krusty Burger. Nobody likes that!

Why Epic is All That... and a Bag of Chips!

This Klas Research place they're saying Epic has a rep for being a good partner. Partner? Like me and my TV remote! Apparently Oracle not so much. They had some hiccups and outages. Outages! That's worse than when the power goes out during the Itchy & Scratchy marathon! Doh!

Larry Ellison's Big Talkin' and Shiny New Toys!

Larry Ellison that fancy pants Oracle dude is going on and on about AI and fancy user interfaces. AI? Sounds like something Mr. Burns would use to replace Smithers. But like Marge always says talk is cheap. Especially when you can't deliver the goods!

Epic vs. Oracle: The Ultimate EHR Showdown!

This Oracle guy Ken Glueck is calling Epic's boss Judy Faulkner the "single biggest obstacle" to getting systems to talk to each other. Obstacle? Like Flanders trying to sell me insurance! But hey Oracle had a five day outage at some hospitals. Back to paper records? That's so last century! It's like going back to dial up internet. Nobody wants that!

Don't Have a Cow Man! Epic Keeps Winin'!

So Epic's been the go to choice for big hospitals for the last decade. That means they're doing something right. Maybe they have a secret ingredient... like love... or bacon... or maybe just really good software. I wouldn't know. I'm just a simple man with a simple dream: to eat all the donuts.