Sweet Zombie Jesus! Altman Drops $6.4 Billion on What?! Leela Investigates!

Good News Everyone! (Or is it?)

Alright meatbags Leela's on the scene! Word on the street – or y'know the interwebs – is that Sam Altman head honcho at OpenAI just dropped a cool $6.4 BILLION on Jony Ive's new hardware company 'io'. Six. Point. Four. BILLION! That's enough to buy like a whole lotta Slurm. Apparently this Ive guy designed the iPhone and stuff. I dunno seems like an awful lot of money for something you can't even eat. Is this guy the new Calculon or something? This better not mean Bender gets a fancier chassis than the one I already let him pick out.

Zuckerberg's Playbook: A Blast from the Past!

Turns out this whole thing is giving me flashbacks to that creep Zuckerberg and his rise to power. Back in the day he snatched up Instagram and WhatsApp like they were the last pizzas on Earth. And now Altman's doing the same thing. Is this some kind of 'rich dude buying stuff' competition I wasn't informed about? I swear if Elon Musk gets involved and tries to buy Planet Express I'm gonna punch him so hard he'll think he's back on Mars.

Instagram: A Picture is Worth a Billion

Remember Instagram? Back when Zuckerberg bought it for a measly one billion when it had no revenue everyone thought he was nuts. Cut to today: Meta's making more money than MomCorp selling robot oil thanks to these acquisitions. The Feds are now even trying to claim the purchases were bad for competition. I feel like I've seen this episode before. Wait a minute... I HAVE!

Oculus Rift: The Metaverse Misstep?

But hold your horses there's a dark side to this whole buying spree. Remember Oculus Rift? Zuckerburg spent two billion to acquire it promising virtual reality would be the future. Now it's losing buckets of money with minimum revenue. This makes me worry about Altman's investment. Is this another case of 'shut up and take my money' with no plan of what to do with it? My cyclops sense is tingling...

So What's the Deal with This 'io' Anyway?

Okay so Ive's company 'io' is supposedly working on 'products that inspire power and enable'. Sounds like a load of marketing buzzwords to me. Apparently it's separate from his other company LoveFrom which sounds like something a hippie would name their kombucha brewery. Altman and Ive said they'll be working more closely with the research and development teams. This is about as clear as mud. I swear sometimes I miss the days when the biggest mystery was where Nibbler hides his... you know.

Will Altman's Gamble Pay Off? Only Time (Travel) Will Tell!

Altman's turning a non profit AI lab into a $300 billion monster. Like that's something new... So will Altman's gamble pay off? Only time will tell. Maybe Bender can use his time traveling abilities to peek into the future and let us know. Though knowing him he'd probably just use it to bet on the horse races or something equally ridiculous. I swear that robot.