Stock Market Does the Hustle! Is This the End of Our Troubles?!

Good News Everyone! (For Once)

Alright meatbags Leela here reporting live ish from... well wherever I can find a working news holo booth. Things have been looking bleaker than Fry's chances with a supermodel lately. Remember when I said 'I can't believe how expensive robot parts are getting?' Well turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. But hold on to your cyclops eyeballs because the Nasdaq Composite just went cuckoo bananas climbing over 12%! It's like the Professor invented a happy pill for the stock market only instead of making you hallucinate dancing doobies it makes your portfolio slightly less terrifying.

Tariffs? More Like... Tariff ic Mistake!

So what gives? Turns out the Orange One aka President… what's his name again? ... decided to pump the brakes on some of those tariffs he was threatening. A 90 day pause for some countries. Ninety days! That's like an eternity in Trump Years. Remember that time Bender tried to run for president? Well even he had a more consistent economic policy than this guy. Anyway this caused the market to go from 'existential dread' to 'cautiously optimistic' faster than you can say 'shut up and take my money!'

Apple's Having a Comeback Story!

Apple had a day that's so good it's almost criminal. It looks like they got out of the dumpster fire after taking 4 days of losses. Apparently they're back on top as the most valuable company which is good since they have been so far up their own asses! The stock is still down 21% this year which means that even though they might have dodged the laser beam today they're still dancing on thin ice. Still though... wooo!

Tesla and Nvidia: Zoom Zoom Baby!

Tesla and Nvidia apparently fueled by more than just electricity and silicon also went bonkers. They are both up significantly today. Meanwhile Meta platforms and Amazon are rallying over 10%. That's like enough to buy a lifetime supply of Slurm for the whole Planet Express crew! Maybe even enough to get Hermes a decent limbo trophy.

Semiconductors to the Rescue!

Those semiconductor stocks the ones everyone thought were doomed because of the tariff kerfuffle also decided to join the party! The VanEck Semiconductor ETF had its best day ever which is like the ETF equivalent of winning the Miss Universe pageant. And AMD and Intel jumped higher than Zoidberg when someone offers him a free shrimp fork. Which reminds me I'm starving. Anyone got a sandwich?

Is This the Beginning of a New Era?

So is this the end of our economic woes? Are we finally out of the woods? Well I wouldn't start celebrating with champagne and caviar just yet. As Hermes would say 'Sweet she goat! This is a bureaucratic nightmare!' Trump also said he would raise tariffs on China to 125%. It's still gonna take a lot more than one good day to undo the damage that's already been done. But hey at least for today the future's looking a little less…futurama ed. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go invest all my Planet Express shares in… uh… something. Don't worry about it. It'll be fine. Probably.