Safe Havens Ahoy! Are Yen, Bonds, and Gold the New Omicron Persei 8?

Sweet Tariff of Trumpylvania!

Alright meatbags Leela here your favorite cyclops reporter from Planet Express! Things on Earth are getting weirder than Fry trying to understand quantum physics. Apparently President Trump slapped some tariffs on everything but Slurm Loco and investors are running for the hills…or rather the yen. Ebrahim Rahbari from Absolute Strategy Research (fancy name huh?) says the yen's the place to hide from all the trade tension and potential recession. Seems legit. Maybe I should convert my Planet Express paycheck to yen. Or maybe I'll just invest in doomsday shelters. You know in case Zoidberg finally loses it and starts eating everything in sight which let's face it is only a matter of time. The yen is up 3% since April 2nd. Not bad.

Francly Speaking It's a Good Hedge

Speaking of hiding the Swiss franc is also getting some love. Apparently it's another 'obvious candidate' to weather this economic storm. I guess those neutral guys know a thing or two about staying out of trouble kind of like me when Bender's trying to sell me his latest get rich quick scheme (which usually involves robbing a bank or two). Matt Orton from Raymond James Investment Management thinks the Swiss franc is a better hedge than the yen which is fine by me. More money for everyone... assuming we don't all get vaporized by the year 3000.

Exotic Hedging: As Seen on TV!

But hold on to your hats folks! It seems some investors are getting adventurous. Rahbari's suggesting the *Brazilian real* as a hedge! A Brazilian what now? Sounds like something Bender would try to sell me as a 'genuine antique space coin.' But hey if it's cheap and less exposed to global trade maybe it's worth a shot. Though honestly I'd rather invest in a lifetime supply of eye drops. You know for...reasons.

Bonding with Bonds: A Love Story

Of course the old standbys are making a comeback too. Bonds bonds bonds! Everyone's buying bonds! They're so safe so boring... kinda like Fry trying to cook dinner. But hey if the world's going to end at least we'll have something to read while we wait for the inevitable. Bond yields are dropping like Bender after a six pack of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor. And Japan's 10 year government bond yield is lower than Morbo's patience with humanity! What a time to be alive.

Gold: The Shiny Metal of the Apocalypse

And last but not least we have gold. Shiny expensive and apparently recession proof. José Torres from Interactive Brokers says everyone's ditching stocks for gold bars. Gold's at a record high! I guess that means I can finally afford that solid gold eye patch I've always wanted. Though knowing my luck it'll probably just attract a swarm of space pirates. Adrian Ash from BullionVault (another fancy name!) says the gloomy economic outlook is perfect for gold. So if you're feeling down about the world just remember: you can always buy gold! Or you know just watch a Scruffy cleaning montage. That always cheers me up. It's just that some say the gold prices are stretched on the upside.

Recession? Good News Everyone!

So what's the verdict? Are we doomed? Well JPMorgan's giving us a 60% chance of recession by the end of the year. Yikes! That's higher than Zoidberg's chances of getting a date. But hey at least we have safe haven assets to cling to. And if all else fails we can always hop in the Planet Express ship and find a new planet to mess up. After all that's what we do best! I'm just going to hide my money in my boot just like I always do.