Good News, Everyone! War is Good... For the Economy (Maybe?)

Airstrikes?! Oh My Glob!

Alright meatbags Leela here reporting live from… well not the front lines because Fry would probably wander into oncoming fire. Anyway apparently some folks named Israel and Iran are having a bit of a disagreement which involved some 'airstrikes.' Now I’m no Professor Farnsworth but even I know airstrikes usually mean someone's gonna have a bad day. Or you know several bad days. I've seen enough explosions to last several lifetimes and let me tell you this smells like trouble.

Panic on Wall Street... or Whatever Street They Use Now

So what happens when stuff starts blowing up? Investors start acting like Nibbler trying to eat the universe which means they panic and run towards anything that looks even remotely stable. According to some nerds at Deutsche Bank – and trust me I've met my share of German robots – everyone's scared that this is gonna turn into a full blown intergalactic kerfuffle. Remember that time Zapp Brannigan almost started a war with the spiderians? Yeah this feels like that only with more actual explosions and less velour.

Gold Rush of the 31st Century

Gold's suddenly as popular as Slurm Loco. Everyone's buying it up probably hoping to melt it down into shiny escape pods. Spot prices are up futures are up even the gold plated Bender units are feeling smug. Personally I think we should all invest in doomsday bunkers and canned anchovies but what do I know? I'm just a cyclops trying to make a buck in a world gone mad.

Treasury Notes? More Like Treasury Yawns!

Even the Treasury Notes are rising... which I guess means things are really really bad. Normally those things are about as exciting as watching paint dry. But hey at least they're a safer investment than Fry's attempt to become a millionaire by selling his lucky pants. I mean seriously who would buy those?!

Oil Prices Soar Like a Hypnotoad

And of course the real winner here is oil. Because nothing says 'global crisis' like a massive spike in the price of that sweet sweet dinosaur juice. Crude futures jumped higher than Bender after a night at a robot strip club. Now I ain't no rocket scientist but even I know that high oil prices mean everyone's gonna be shelling out extra for gas. So start saving those dollarydoos folks because you're gonna need 'em.

What Happens Next? Nobody Knows!

So what's the takeaway here? Well according to those Deutsche Bank eggheads it's anyone's guess what happens next. Will Iran retaliate? Will the U.S. and Iran keep chatting about their nuclear program or will they just start chucking laser beams at each other? Honestly your guess is as good as mine. But one thing's for sure: this is gonna be a bumpy ride. Just try to remember folks that even in the darkest of times there's always room for a little bit of hope. Or at the very least a really good stiff drink.