Good News, Everyone! Wall Street's Makin' Some Noise (and Maybe Some Money)

Goldman Sachs Goes on a Toy Spree! (Not the Kind Bender Likes)

Alright meatbags listen up! Goldman Sachs those guys who probably have a robot butler polishing their monocles are saying Hasbro's gonna be big. They're upgrading it to 'Buy,' which I assume means 'Buy or Fry,' depending on how Bender's feeling that day. They think there's a 21% potential return. Maybe I should invest... then again I still haven't figured out how to use those ATM machines that give you worms instead of money.

Oshkosh Gets an Upgrade? Is That Some Kind of Space Truck?

Oshkosh huh? Sounds like something Fry would name a sandwich. Apparently their 'supply picture' is improving. I don't know what that means but I bet it involves less of whatever Slurm is made of. Goldman's saying 'Buy' again with a 16% upside. If they're right I might be able to afford a decent eye wash station for a change.

Robinhood's Crypto Circus in France: Hon Hon Hon More Like Ha Ha Ha!

Those chuckleheads at Deutsche Bank are still pushing Robinhood after their 'crypto event' in France. Vlad Tenev looks like he should be wrestling with Zapp Brannigan. They showed off some new crypto stuff which probably means more ways for Bender to lose all our money. I'm sticking with my career chip.

Tesla's Delivery Disaster: Not Exactly Breaking the Sound Barrier

JPMorgan's sticking to their guns and calling Tesla 'underweight.' Which frankly is how I feel after one of Hermes' Jamaican feasts. They think Tesla's gonna miss their delivery numbers. Maybe Elon should try delivering them with Hermes' efficiency... or maybe not. Nobody needs that kind of chaos.

Pest Control Goes Upscale: The Walmart of Roach Killing?

Piper Sandler is all about Rollins calling them the 'Walmart of pest control.' I guess that means they're cheap and effective at getting rid of things you don't want. Now if only they could do something about Zoidberg. Woop woop woop!

Amazon's Prime Day: A Day When We All Become Fry

Bank of America is drooling over Amazon's Prime Day saying it'll be great for branding and Prime sign ups. Basically they want us all to become Fry: endlessly buying useless junk we don't need. I'd rather spend the day fighting off Mom's robots. At least that's exercise.